Y9 W12 - Sounds of Life

I wouldn't change a thing, except adding music that is

I'll go along with that! I'd go with acoustic guitar....fairly bluesy. Hell, you can always add a little Carribean spice where it's needed, even if it is for just one lne......

get it recorded, DB!

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi again, Dylan

Nice start here. You do a great job of making your neighborhood come alive through sights, sounds and smells (I'm assuming that's the cooking), so I'm wondering if "Sounds of Life" is an appropriate title. Maybe "From My Window" instead?

Speaking of sounds, the line:

The sound of raindrops on the leaves of flowers

Seems a little wanting. Maybe swapping "plop" or "drip" or even "plink" to get an actual sound in there instead of just "sound."

Another stanza that could possibly use some tweaking is this one:

Turn of the handle I can shut it out
I'd rather hear the sounds than be without

The second line is a little awkward and not sure how to make it less so. Maybe

Turn of the handle I can shut it out
But the silence is awful and I just want to shout (going right into "oooooh oh")

That's pretty bad, I'll admit. I'm sure others will have better suggestions. Speaking of which. I'm in agreement with Peter that "Life is all around" could be dressed up a little more.

Finally, I like the wistfulness of this stanza:

Gaze from my window and I clear my mind
Of all the places that I've left far behind

But this admission seems really sudden, coming from out of nowhere, really. Maybe there are ways of sneaking in a bit of it earlier, like comparing the earlier sights and sounds to exotic places (or not so exotic) that you've been.

Sorry about not being more helpful with suggestions. I'll try to work a bit on it throughout the week.

Looking forward to more!

Peace

Hi guys

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.

All the comments are useful and I even thought through a couple of them as I was writing...

Peter, yeh I plucked Latin beat out of the air but maybe I need to look at that again as the music I hear throughout the day and night can be a real mishmash of style and rhythm. I will look at the last chorus again - I'll be honest and say that I usually leave the ending until I've added the music and that gives me a better idea of how it should finish, but I like the idea of your approach.

Thanks Vic - I could add a bit of spice where necessary...that would work well - have to look at the lyrics again first.. Cheers

David - My neighbours cooking and the smell from the pigs behind when the wind is in the wrong direction didn't get the creative juices flowing (although the cooking sometimes does). I can usually hear the clattering of pots and pans, but I just couldn't explain that eloquently enough... Hmm, I couldn't sing 'plop' or 'plink' - i did think of drip so let's have a look again. I'll have another look at shutting out the sound as well but I think I'm pretty close there. Yes, a bit more work to do.

Thanks again. I just don't think i'll have the time to record as things are pretty busy and I do need time to work on the score and recording, but never say never....

Rock on!
D 8)

Hi Dylan,

Looking good :D

This is a minor suggestion:
My dog is crying someones walking by
to
My dog is barking someones walking by

Also, the lines Dave mentioned worked fine for me:

Gaze from my window and I clear my mind
Of all the places that I've left far behind

It seemed like the person was really trying to live in the moment...and was doing a good job at it..... and not get bogged down by regrets of the past or worries of the future.

Thanks for sharing.

James

Wow, this is very vivid! Great wriitng!

There is lots of good stuff in this, but for some reason,

Singing echos through the narrow street
The drifting music of a Latin beat

those two lines were my favorite.

I was kind of perplexed when I came to the last verse though. Those lines didn't really tie in too much with the rest of it; I can take some meaning from them, but I think you could find something that worked better. In fact, given the writing prior to those two lines, I know you could! :)

Nicely done!

Hey Melody

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. You're right it does need looking at because, I have to say i never I very rarely think back to the places I've left behind because what I look at each day is far more inspiring...

Nevertheless, they call it artistic licence :roll:

I'll come back to it again some day.

Rock on!
D 8)