Y9 W13 ~ What A Life! (yes, I'm way behind) REWRITE

Hi Melody,

Good start :D

Your address threw me for a moment b/c the house I grew up in was 1105 Cordova....but it's the suburbs not an "upper class" community :P

You have a lot of nice images and clever rhymes.

Suggestion:
Consider inserting a "plot" into the song.....[starting point, conflict, climax, resolution] Right now it reads like a lot of nouns and adjectives....but few none action verbs.....so by the end of it all the listener hears names and bits of a character sketches but the story doesn't take us anywhere.....just the possible warning that riches don't last forever.

......one idea would be to change the location of the address to a cruise and then reveal at the end the ship's name.....the S.S. Titanic.....that would take out all your numbers but maybe a date of the sailing of the Titanic or registration number.....

"Titanic's hull number was 401. Her Board of Trade registration number was 131,428."
http://www.dellamente.com/titanic/facts.htm

Thanks for sharing.

James

Thanks for giving this a read James, much appreciated.

Sorry about the name of the street, that is just too coincidental! LOL I meant to Google that name before posting to make sure I wasn't using anything real, but forgot. Actually though, when the line first came to me it was 'Cordovia Street', with an 'i'. I changed it for singability purposes but am changing it back!

Your thoughts on the Titanic are good, would make a great song. I'm not the greatest storyteller in the world, I tend to get too long-winded in that sort of song, and maybe the other part of it is because I am one of those where I notice and am drawn to the music more than the words in songs. A song can have subpar lyrics but if the music is good I will listen. The reverse isn't true, if a song has unappealing music for me, it doesn't matter how great the words are I pass on by. That is just a personal taste thing I suppose and the way one's brain is wired probably.

I don't think every song out there involves telling a story from beginning to end, although there certainly are many of them and some real great ones. I just learned to finger pick 'All You Need Is Love', and I don't see there is really much of a story to that song, but songs like that appeal to me a lot. Not saying this song I've written here is anything like that, but I had hoped to just convey some thoughts on a slice of life, make the lines interesting enough to keep people listening so they might get the feelings there without becoming preachy about it. It's a learning curve for sure! :)

If you are finding it maybe needs more of a story, then I haven't succeeded in what I set out to do. I've changed it a bit, and hopefully it might work a little better. Would be interested in hearing whether it is better (or possibly worse!). The basic premise is there, there is a lot underlying as well, and I like songs, books, poems, whatever, that make me think a bit. Long ways to go in writing something 'good' but every bit of feedback will sure help. Thanks! :)

I don't think every song out there involves telling a story from beginning to end

Yes, and come to think about it, it was implied, but I didn't really mean to mean start from the beginning of every story, but give the listener a sense of what they are dropping in on....I keep thinking of "I Will Survive"....you can tell, without a lot of details what phase of the relationship the listener is coming in at and the singer's feeling about that moment.

I'll leave it up to you to decide if it is worth looking at this old post, but I see similarities when I wrote a song that was a lot of description of the singer but not action or movement of a story or plot
http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?f=23&t=46683
I just learned to finger pick 'All You Need Is Love', and I don't see there is really much of a story to that song, but songs like that appeal to me a lot.
This song seems more like an "inspirational quote" or a song of hope......

......maybe I am off in the expectation.....but the difference I see between All You Need Is Love and "What a Life" is there are no characters presented in All You Need Is Love......so maybe that's what's surfacing as a hypothesis....if you are going to have characters in the song....they should do something.....or have some cause and effect....action or reaction.....
I had hoped to just convey some thoughts on a slice of life, make the lines interesting enough to keep people listening so they might get the feelings there without becoming preachy about it.
Maybe it's a matter of clarity when the music is applied.....on the read I can't tell easily if the singer is awestruck and hopeful the rich will learn the important things in life before it's too late.....or.....if the singer is cynical or being sarcastic with the idea "What A Life"
If you are finding it maybe needs more of a story, then I haven't succeeded in what I set out to do.
......maybe if it wasn't a matter of a plot or action, it could be a matter of including a contrast of what the "better life" would look like.....whatever ideology you want to paint with those images......holding a new born baby, helping others, peace with one's Maker....etc.....

Take or leave whatever you see fit....ultimately these are only suggestions as it's your song to work with and communicate with :wink:

Thanks for the discussion and thoughts shared :D

James

Hi Melody

I like elements of both the original and the rewrite. I'm not sure that it needs the bit about Joe.

They've all been friends since their college days
Made their fortunes in various ways
'cept Joe, didn't have a clue what to become
They fondly call him the uppercrumb

It sets up the later part of the story with the potential fall, but having one specific name be important at the very end might confuse the listener who then has to try to remember which one Joe was. Also, it takes the great specific details you made in the previoius stanza (with Buffy and Carter) and turns to story to the generic. The diluted repetition could make the song lose steam.

This is potentially the type of song where the story is all in the description. Rather than spelling things out you can give their seeming financial stability some shaky legs. You already do that nicely in the second version where Calvin "goes overboard" and buys a yacht.

But it's coming along nicely. I'm looking forward to seeing how this develops further.

Peace