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Y9 W18 - If This Is Love Then Why Is Everything Shaking?

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(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 418
Topic starter  

Getting in touch with my feminine side. :oops: Turned out relatively wordy (not by my standards though) but I like it.

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If This Is Love Then Why Is Everything Shaking?

Chilly rooms where drafts invade
Fractured panes distort my gaze
If this is love then why is everything shaking?

Dirty footprints on the floor
Splintered wood of slamming doors
If this is love then why is everything shaking?

[refrain]
If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?

Lipstick smeared and tissues crushed
Dinners made but never touched
If this is love then why is everything shaking?

Caught in arms as strong as stone
Voices raised and vases thrown
If this is love then why is everything shaking?

If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?

[bridge]
Echoes rattle in the walls
Promises beyond recall
Locked in stasis, out of reach
Like broken magnets on my fridge

If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?
If this is love then why is everything shaking?


   
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(@gixugif)
Active Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 11
 

I love it! I think this is very good.

I don't think it's wordy at all, but then again, I tend to be too wordy too, so perhaps seeing such is not my in my strengths.

One or two small things:

"Locked in stasis, out of reach
Like broken magnets on my fridge"

- Using locked with stasis seems kind of redundant. Being locked in something, and something being stable (the meaning of stasis.
- This one could just be me misinterpreting, but how is anything on your fridge out of reach?


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

I like it too.
I have just one suggestion with this line,

Promises beyond recall

If there was an argument I would think it would be cursing or threats . . .
so maybe

Curses spoken past recall
or
Threats made beyond recall

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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(@gixugif)
Active Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 11
 

I think "Promises beyond recall" is saying that promises they once made have been forgotten - something that makes sense for a fight.

If there were threats beyond recall then wouldn't that imply the threats were forgotten, and thus the fight probably over?


   
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 KR2
(@kr2)
Famed Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2717
 

Thanks for the explanation.
I was thinking of 'recall' as in an automobile recall . . . for a defect.

So words spoken in anger couldn't be recalled . . . or taken back.

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


   
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(@gixugif)
Active Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 11
 

Hm, that's actually an interesting use of recall. Didn't think of that. In fact, I rather like it a lot.


   
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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Martin,

Good start :D A lot of good lines. Great idea and title.

Suggestions:

Consider switching verse 1 and 2....as it is, verse 1 doesn't really make sense in until I understand what is happening in verse 2. If switched, I'd have a clearer idea of the premise and be able to get into the song sooner.

Consider revising this line
Caught in arms as strong as stone----I'm not sure how it fits or what's implied

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 418
Topic starter  

Hi all, thanks for the comments.

I meant recall as in memories, so I changed the line to "Promises we can't recall". Still has the double meaning which is ok.

Good point James about v1 and v2.

The arms as strong as stone, I switched for "Neglected vows got overgrown".

I have some more changes including no more fridge magnets, so I might post another version soon.


   
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