Y9W16 Breakin' In

LOL, I think maybe some people could feel the same way in this day and age!

The music and melody seem to fit very well for something from way back then. I really have nothing to say as far as constructive criticism, it seems to work well. I enjoyed listening to it, nice job. :)

Oh, I just have to add - this sounded like it came right out an old radio! LOL Now, how much you did that on purpose, and how much was due to my real lousy speakers, I don't know, but it made it all the more authentic!

Hi Melody,

Thanks for the listen and post :D

James

Hi James

I really like this a lot. Nice job on the assignment and nice production work, too.

My only thought is that the second line of the second verse:

Matching clothes with bars and my own bed

Comes across a bit odd. I get what you're trying to say (and it may just be me) but I'd always associated bars on the windows and stripes on the clothes. So it seems that the line is a little forced. Not quite sure how to tweak it, but I'll try put some thought into it.

Very enjoyable and I'm looking forward to more.

Peace

The bars on the clothes line made me shake my head a little too at first until I understood what you probably meant. That was the only line though, and although it does work {somewhat ;) }, if others are doing the same thing, maybe you want to rethink that one.

Great song though! :)

Here are some options:

Pen striped suit, new shoes and my own bed
or
Pin stripped clothes, new shoes and my own bed
or
Pen stripped clothes, new shoes and my own bed
or
Matching suit, new shoes and my own bed
or
Matching clothes, new shoes and my own bed
or
Brand new clothes, some shoes and my own bed
or
Brand new clothes with shoes and my own bed
or
Shower, soap, new clothes and my own bed

POOF change made :mrgreen: ***
Feedback?

Pen-striped suit! LOL That's a good one! :lol: :lol: :lol:
I don't think it gets much better than that, but the new shoes following it is a little plain jane in comparison.

How about this?

Pen striped suit, pen pals and my own bed......Then "pen pals" can mean friends in the prison or people he writes to from prison.

I love the hissing and poppoing on the production, as though it's an old 78. The story line and the musical style fit the period. The rhymes are not strained.
Did the story spring from your imagination?

I love the hissing and popping on the production, as though it's an old 78.
It's funny to have to find a wav file to add the "vintage sound" in the digital age....Thanks for noticing. :D
Did the story spring from your imagination?
I thought so...but maybe not...everything is borrowed from somewhere. I think I was influenced about an Oh Henry story I read a few weeks ago. Where the guy gets thrown in prison for hitting someone and seems fine to stay there.
http://www.readbookonline.net/stories/Henry/108/
I can't remember which one right now

Thanks for the listen and post.

James