Green Toenails
(Y9W19 Topic: Any color)
A girl with lime green toenails
and a green and white striped bikini
was reading a book on the beach
in the shade of a coconut tree.
I loved her the moment I saw her
with the pile of shells by her hand
and the water bottle beside her
half-filled with fine brown sand.
Bittersweet.
I'm in love with the girl with the green toenails
and wherever she goes my heart follows.
Bittersweet.
Love can be a big ripe strawberry
or a bitter pill to swallow.
I saw her again at the No Name Pub.
I was eating my ham and cheese sandwich.
She was striding past the bar
with a tall pink drink in her hand.
The dollar bills taped to the rafters
hung around her shaggy red hair.
She flashed me a white and welcoming smile
that made me think she could care.
Bittersweet.
I'm in love with the girl with the green toenails
and wherever she goes my heart follows.
Bittersweet.
Love can be a big ripe strawberry
or a bitter pill to swallow.
I saw her again by the black canal.
She gave me the eye as she paddled by.
She was in a rented red kayak.
She was with another guy.
I don't know where that girl has gone.
She flew out of my life on the wind
but I can't forget those green toenails
and the good times that might have been.
Bittersweet.
I'm in love with the girl with the green toenails
and wherever she goes my heart follows.
Bittersweet.
Love can be a big ripe strawberry
or a bitter pill to swallow.
Love can be a big ripe strawberry
or a bitter pill to swallow,
a bitter pill to swallow.
---------------------------------
I have worked out an acceptable-sounding melody for this but I can't think how I could share it, since I only sing in the shower and my fingers are still fumbling their way through Twinkle Twinkle on my new (and first) guitar.
I could write it out in ABC Notation, but that seems too awkward to be practical.
I'm making progress, though, so someday - maybe! Regards, from Wilhelmina
Hi Wilhelmina,
Good start :D I like the strong image of Green Toenails...assuming its not a natural tinge to the girl's toenails but painted on :lol:
Suggestions: The images seem a bit random; consider tying them together to fit the location. Also, consider introducing why the singer is so caught up in this girl....it sounds very shallow right now...so I'm not getting why he'd be so caught up with this girl.
Right now the biggest vibe or setting or mood seems to be a tropical location, so consider sticking with that theme:
A girl with lime green toenails
and a green and white striped bikini
was reading a book on the beach
in the shade of a coconut tree. THIS VERSE WORKS WELL
I loved her the moment I saw her
with the pile of shells by her hand
and the water bottle beside her
half-filled with fine brown sand. WHAT SIGNIFICANCE IS THIS? WHY DOES SHE HAVE THE "SAND BOTTLE"?
Bittersweet. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHERE THE BITTERSWEET IS FITTING IN
I'm in love with the girl with the green toenails
and wherever she goes my heart follows. SEEMS TOO STRONG FOR A FIRST SIGHTING
Bittersweet.
Love can be a big ripe strawberry WHY THIS FRUIT.....WHY NOT SOMETHING GREEN OR TROPICAL
or a bitter pill to swallow......I DON'T SEE HOW THE PILL FITS INTO THE TROPICAL THEME
I saw her again at the No Name Pub. GIVE THE PUB A NAME THAT COULD HINT WHAT KIND OF PLACE IT IS- A QUAINT BUNGALOW? A DUMP?, A RESORT?, A NIGHTCLUB?
I was eating my ham and cheese sandwich. MAYBE SOMETHING TROPICAL....A DRINK OF SOME KIND SINCE IT'S A PUB OR BAR
She was striding past the bar
with a tall pink drink in her hand. NAME THE DRINK
The dollar bills taped to the rafters I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THIS DETAIL
hung around her shaggy red hair. GOOD HELPS PICTURE HER
She flashed me a white and welcoming smile NICE
that made me think she could care. NICE
Bittersweet.
I'm in love with the girl with the green toenails
and wherever she goes my heart follows.
Bittersweet.
Love can be a big ripe strawberry
or a bitter pill to swallow.
I saw her again by the black canal. CANALS DON'T SEEM TO FIT WITH A TROPICAL LOCATION
She gave me the eye as she paddled by. A BIT UNCLEAR....IS SHE FLIRTING? WHY IF SHE IS WITH ANOTHER GUY?
She was in a rented red kayak. ANY SIGNIFICANCE FOR RED?
She was with another guy. GOOD DETAIL
I don't know where that girl has gone.
She flew out of my life on the wind NOT VERY CONVERSATIONAL
but I can't forget those green toenails
and the good times that might have been. THIS WORKS
Bittersweet.
I'm in love with the girl with the green toenails
and wherever she goes my heart follows.
Bittersweet.
Love can be a big ripe strawberry
or a bitter pill to swallow.
Love can be a big ripe strawberry
or a bitter pill to swallow,
a bitter pill to swallow.
Thanks for sharing.
James
Thanks for taking the time to make these comments, James. There's a lot to consider in writing a song, isn't there?
There's a lot to consider in writing a song, isn't there?
Yes, but not all at once :roll:
I'd say first you've got to just get the basics of the idea out there and let it flow without being critical......
.......but then it's worth the time and effort to go back and see what lines and words are supporting the main idea and if there is a way to make them stronger and also to look at what lines or words are not supporting the main idea and how they could be changed or cut.
I value your critiques, James. Thanks again.
