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Y9W21 Without Your Love

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wilhelmina
(@wilhelmina)
Estimable Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

This isn't about a SPECIFIC food, as assigned, but I do have plenty of eats in here, so I'll toss it in anyway and see how it comes through the shredder. My brain doesn't always spit up what I ask it for - this is my excuse for today. - Wilhelmina

Without Your Love
Y9W21 Topic: Food

Without your love, I don't feel right.
I'm a week with no Friday, a day with no light.
I'm an egg with no yolk, toast with no jam.
A single shoe is all I am.
Have you heard of a seashore without any sea?
Without your love, guy, that seashore is me.

Without your love, without your love.
I don't know what would become of me.
A branch with no tree is what I'd be,
Without the love you give to me.

Without your love, I'm a candle with no wick,
I'm a card shark who isn't holding a trick.
Coleslaw with no cabbage, beer with no malt,
Cake without sugar, soup without salt.
Without your love, I'm less than a half.
I'm only a joke without any laugh.

I need your love to make me whole.
Together, we're cherries in a big round bowl.
With you, my life couldn't be any finer.
Without, I'm a trash bin with no plastic liner.
I'm a pitcher of milk without any spout,
I'm a door going in, with a sign that says 'out'.

Without your love, without your love.
I don't know what would become of me.
A teabag with no tea is all I'd be,
Without the love you have for me.


   
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Chris C
(@chris-c)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Hi Wilhelmina,

You've obviously had a lot of fun thinking up imagery here, and you've come up with some nice phrases. Good job on that score. :D

My only comment would be that you may have ridden the one idea for a little too long. You can't fit War and Peace into a song but it's still good to have some kind of movement, story or direction in a song.

You can tell us that you're:

The wood without the trees
The pod without the peas
The dog without the fleas
The cough without the sneeze
The leg without the knees
The beach without the breeze

or whatever... more less indefinitely without ever being in any danger of running out of imagery. But it doesn't take too long before the listener is tempted to think "OK, I get the idea already.... but what else is going on?? "

I know how hard it is to jettison words one has worked hard on, but it might be worth trying to cut the repetition down and try and move the action or mood on a bit. Just my reaction anyway. Others may disagree. :)

Do you have any music in mind at this stage?

Good luck shaping it up.

Chris


   
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martin-6
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 418
 

I think this works pretty well.
This is what I'd call a "mixed bag of metaphors" type of song, in the same vein as Cole Porter's "You're The Top", Nat King Cole's "Cream In My Coffee" or Katie Melua's "If You Were A Sailboat".

The key to making a good one of these songs is to have a common theme - yours is food. There can be secondary themes as long as they are not too specific or jarring.

When you say "I'm a trash bin with no plastic liner", it deviates from the theme, but in a good way because a trash bin is like the opposite of food, which is humourous.

However, the line about the card shark seems like a bit of a non-sequitur. It's outside the theme and doesn't link back to any other part in a clever or funny way - so that's the only line I'd change.


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Hi Wilhelmina,

I have to say I can agree with both the previous post.

Personally I like the "card shark " line but it just may not be right
for this song. What musical style were you thinking in? That could
make a big difference sometimes

:note2: :note2: :note2:

john

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi Wilhelmina,

A lot of good comments here already. You really have a good way with words which is probably a lot harder than the organizing of the thoughts.....a few more tweaks on the organization-side (and adding or dropping some imagery) of the lyrics will bring this a long nicely.

Thanks for sharing. :D

James


   
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wilhelmina
(@wilhelmina)
Estimable Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 56
Topic starter  

Thank you all so much! This songwriting business is quite a challenge. There's so much to keep in mind. And I also realize that the lyrics are just the beginnings of a song - there's the melody and harmony and the rhythms and all that yet to come before I arrive at a finished product. I may not have it in me! Playing Twinkle Twinkle is a good goal for me right now. But I do like doing 'push-ups for the brain', so I'll have another go at it.


   
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