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Year 13 Week 25 - L...
 

Year 13 Week 25 - Land of Heartbreak  

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(@chefie)
Honorable Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 553
19/04/2015 2:54 pm  

Writing's been tough lately. Seems I manage a verse or two every week and nothing more. This is an older song I wrote that managed to fulfill the assighnment. Thanks for your comments.

Land of Heartbreak

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single_player.cfm?songid=13104069&q=hi

Fmaj7 G
If I sat down and wrote you a letter
would it change anything, would it make it better
and can someone tell me how much postage would it take
Fmaj7 G Am
to send a letter to the land of heartbreak

what would I say what words would I choose
I’m so alone, I’m so confused
one more chance, what would I say
and how would the letter ever find its way

you left this world in peace and silence
I couldn’t understand in my act of defiance
rejecting what I couldn’t bare to see
you were no longer there with me

If I sat down and wrote you a letter
would it change anything, would it make it better
and can someone tell me how much postage would it take
to send a letter to the land of heartbreak

how could one have such composure
to know what to say, when life is almost over
you don’t understand there’s no second chance
you just stand there, in an unspeakable trance

If I sat down and wrote you a letter
would it change anything, would it make it better
and can someone tell me how much postage would it take
to send a letter to the land of heartbreak

If I sat down and wrote you a letter
would it change anything, would it make it better
and can someone tell me how much postage would it take
to send a letter to the land of heartbreak


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 11 years ago
Posts: 2852
20/04/2015 12:27 pm  

Hi Neil,

Good start :D I like the concept in the chorus; both the lyrics and melody.

I especially like that the chorus sounds good both slow and fast as you play it at the end.

Suggestions:

Consider using the verses to show more what the singee meant to the singer.

Right now your verses are saying the same thing as the chorus...also you are telling the emotions instead of showing them....try for more concrete details.....what does "alone" look like?....what does "confused" look like?

One more thing that is a bit out of sync is in the song, the singer is trying to send a letter to the land of heartbreak, but then in this verse, the singee is standing right there with the singer....."you just stand there, in an unspeakable trance"....so that means there is no need to send a letter.

Thanks for sharing.

James


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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 10340
21/04/2015 12:33 pm  

Just picking up on James' last point, had me wondering for a second or two - but then I thought, "well the singer might be staring at a photograph and addressing his remarks to the person he's missing..."

Good to see you're still writing and playing, Neil - and in your own distinctive style, doing what you do best.

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


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(@john-sargent)
Prominent Member
Joined: 10 years ago
Posts: 948
21/04/2015 3:11 pm  

I like it as it is. It's honest.


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(@hobson)
Prominent Member
Joined: 11 years ago
Posts: 794
21/04/2015 4:31 pm  

I like the chord progressions and the playing. Simple but appropriate.

Hard to come up with a rhyme for "silence," but I don't think that this really fits: "I couldn’t understand in my act of defiance." Denial, inability to accept, but probably not defiance.

I have to disagree with James. Emotions are not concrete. Unless you're going to use metaphors such as an empty room or a quiet house.

Renee


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 11 years ago
Posts: 2852
21/04/2015 10:09 pm  

I have to disagree with James. Emotions are not concrete. Unless you're going to use metaphors such as an empty room or a quiet house.

Here is an example from the book Stein on Writing:

He was nervous. (telling)
He tapped his fingers on the table. (showing)

"The reader isn't told he's nervous. The character is given a nervous action."

Showing is supposed to help the listener/reader connect more with the song/story; at least that's the idea.


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 11 years ago
Posts: 2852
28/04/2015 1:09 am  

Here is a recent article that talks about the idea of showing instead of telling:

Show—Don’t Tell: 3 Steps to Writing Better Lyrics
http://www.songwriting.net/blog/bid/209079/showdont-tell-3-steps-to-writing-better-lyrics?source=Blog_Email_%5bShow%E2%80%94Don%E2%80%99t%20Tell:%203%20S%5d


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