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Year 3 Week 1

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Taintedpoet
(@taintedpoet)
Eminent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 27
Topic starter  

Your black comforter
hiding beneath her
keeping me warm
afraid to come out

It faintly carrys your fragrance
after all this time
tearing and thrashing
my nightmares subside

Im scared and lonely
afraid to breath
loosing my hope
whishing to be free

Why did you leave
how could you go
im sorry your gone
come back to me

You keep pushing me away
and so I will go
I wont talk to you
im not leaving you though

but for now ill find peace
with your black comforter

No words no explination just music


   
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bstguitarist
(@bstguitarist)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 353
 

My only suggestion would be to make it flow a little better, to me ( im not sure about other people) it seems to just around a bit. My personaly tastes. Well Good job!

Keep up the good work,
Bstguitarist
KB1LQC


No matter what anyone says, these four men were the Innovators! of modern Rock & Roll!

Morse Code... Music on it's own


   
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smokindog
(@smokindog)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 5345
 

Good first draft, :D I think I agree with bstguitarist in that it needs to flow better. The 5th verse did not make sense to me, but i can be a bit dense at 7 am. :lol: :lol: good work and welcome to the group :D --the dog 8) 8)

My Youtube Page
http://www.youtube.com/user/smokindog
http://www.soundclick.com/smokindogandthebluezers

http://www.soundclick.com/guitarforumjams


   
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sarah
(@sarah)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 26
 

Good first draft. I like the overall idea of the song.

I'm a bit confused by the pronouns in the first couple lines, however.
Your black comforter
hiding beneath her
keeping me warm

Are there 3 people here or are you thinking back or...?

I especially like this verse.
You keep pushing me away
and so I will go
I wont talk to you
im not leaving you though


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Taintedpoet,

Welcome! Good song, I like the lines;

"It faintly carrys your fragrance
after all this time "

It could use a little "spit and polish" I have to agree with Smokindog the 5th verse seems to come out of left field. How can this person be pushing you away if they've been gone for some time ?

Celt

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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