year 3(!) week 1 "page 65"

hiya,

i like it all, except verse 2, especially the ending, i was wondering how u were going to slip page 65 in as i was reading it.

i dont get how verse 2 fits into the plot of the story.

i got verse 1, talking about the passage of time, then suddenly in v2 the calender is 'staining' a new character appears for the only time in the song 'she', and u refer to a 'refusal' but give not details of what u refused or why that makes the calender 'essential'. the rest of the song is well written and flows fine.

i think it may be worthwhile adding in another verse and expanding the content of the current v2 to give its events more of a context. leaving so much to the listeners imagination means i dont have enough info to be imaginative with!

oh and you might consider changing 'Or even worse to hear the minutes overtake ' to Or even worse hearing the minutes overtake, so there is a parity of tenses across the verse.

rob:)

-sh.it, wrote so much and now it is gone because my pc is freaking out, ok I'll see if I can get it together once more-

yay! finally I got a reply to my post :D almost gave up my hope for this one(as I did for my luna piece the week before last or so)...so...THANX :lol:

I'll explain a bit to defend my verse2;) :
the character can't stand watching time passing by and therefore there's no clock in his room. but there is a calendar, which is maybe even worse, and that is because she(girlfriend......) persuaded him to hang it on the wall, in fact she hung it up herself without listening to him saying he doesn't want one and it would be crap... she is like, see, it isn't as bad as you thought it would be, right? and you really do need a calendar and if only not to forget your next date with your dentist.

I don't have a problem with changing the last line of verse1 into: or even worse hearing minutes overtake(the 'the' would be too much though- just let it slip)

I think about your idea of making another verse...or making two out of that verse......

There's no clock in my room
Still a calendar stains my wall
This is new, this was her, last fall
She paid no attention to my refusal at all

There's no clock in your room
Of which I don't approve, see
But this here is something you really need
Reminder of the next date with your dentist, at least

......ah well..I don't like it as much as the original, do you? ...and the ending doesn't go as smooth with it now as it did with the other one.. but I do like the dentist:)
shall I try to make a better verse(s)?

thanks again
bluenightangel

yay! finally I got a reply to my post almost gave up my hope for this one

Well aren't I ashamed? You posted this on Sunday, and I read it a couple times, and each time thought, "I have to get back and critique bluenightangel's song" and then things cam up and blah, blah, blah... The thing is, your stuff always demands a thoughtful critique. I rarely feel like I can just jot down a few thoughts and call it done.

First off, I always have trouble discerning your meter / rhythm. I suspect that you and I favor entirely different styles of music, and so I stopped trying to fit it into any kind of "song" that I might come up with, and just trust that you have some rhythmic framework into which it would fit.

For that reason, I try to focus strictly on your writing, which is really getting better every week. And this week is no exception. I really really like the subject you chose, and the way the character tolerates the calendar, though he'd rather not have it there. Believe it or not, I can really identify with this guy.

I would have liked to had more about the "passage of time" concept in the last verse. Maybe something about how it's inescapable, how even without a clock, it's measured by the shadows from the window, in a kind of taunting "you can't get away from me" way. Everything up to the last verse has a vague "twilight-zoney" feel to it, which I find terrificly engaging.

Well done, even if it took me all week to say so.

-- Scratch 8)

I really can relate to the time idea since I have not wore a watch since 1971. I liked the song but it felt a little choppy in places. I really liked the line of removing yet another yesterday. I think you could get a lot of mileage out of of idea.

The thing is, your stuff always demands a thoughtful critique. ...wow:) ... hey I'm happy you replied now, it's better than never;)

yes trust me about the framework. or have a listen to Archive "Fu.ck U" to get a rough idea of the rhythm.

I love the picture you painted, shadows a.k.a. time saying 'you can't get away from me' :) I'd like to somehow slip it in...just can't see where it fits...think it should be before verse2 as everything revolves around the calendar from there on. ...draft:

Even without steel hands scaring me to death
They get a grip on me at last
The shades beneath the window grow, time says
You can't get away from me or the past

..?? does it fit(or does it just makes the song longer and a bit tangled?)? and is it 'get a grip of' or 'get a grip on'? or 'get a hold of/on'?

anyway thank you a lot, scratch!
(and you did again manage to throw in that wonderful word, adverb this time;) so I learn some grammatical stuff here as well :lol: )

and thanx mike:) (would you care to explain your last sentence to me, please?)

thank you :D
bluenightangel