It's been a while since I last wrote a song for this forum. 3/4 years. But I'm back!
I hope you don't mind I "stole" your headline, Taintedpoet. I think I wrote my own view on the idea, and didn't copy any of your ideas.
Anyway, this is it:
A river that has two paths
You and me
Are like one river
That splits up in two somewhere
Came from one
But found their own way
Twisting and turning through time
One spring, we share the same water [chorus]
One tide, one sun and one moon
Although we sleep in two beds
And two winds ruffle our surfaces
Our undercurrent's the same
There are fish
And a herd of horses
They drink with their ponies at dawn
There are people
They try to hunt them
While I wash away in the dusk
One spring, we share the same water [chorus]
One tide, one sun and one moon
Although we sleep in two beds
And two winds ruffle our surfaces
Our undercurrent's the same
I miss you
The world's all hills now
The rains here remind me of you
I have faith
That at the sundown
There I will meet you again
Where I run into the ocean
Where I run into the ocean
Where everything becomes one
Where we run into the ocean
Hi Christiaan,
Hope it won't be so long until you next post! This is really good. Wonderful use of imagery. Wonderful structure. And terrific story. The only suggestion I might offer, is to prefer metaphor to simile.
So the first verse would read:
You and me,
a single river,
that split in two somewhere....
I read the chorus as almost a litany, or a declaration / response kind of feel. Could be done with 2 seperate voices very effectively. Especially if you used a male and female voice to do it.
[male] One spring
[female] we share the same water
[male] One tide
[female] one sun and one moon
I'll hush now, and let some others chime in. But just wanted to say, real good work!
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Hey!
I second all that Scratch said - great writing.
I have faith
That at the sundown
There I will meet you again
-love that bit.
The question is, will you be forever known as 'Christiaan the Headline thief'??!!!!!
Fair enough, you did manage to do something different with it.
Keep writing.
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
Hey'a Christiaan , good to have you back and boy have you come back in style, great reading, I have to second Scratch's comments
i especially like the chorus
One spring, we share the same water
One tide, one sun and one moon
Although we sleep in two beds
And two winds ruffle our surfaces
Our undercurrent's the same
really very good imagry for me :)
Go well
Ja'mir :wink:
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
HI ,
SOME REALLY GOOD WRITTING HERE MY FAVOUITE PART IS :
There are fish
And a herd of horses
They drink with their ponies at dawn
There are people
They try to hunt them
While I wash away in the dusk
IT DID NOT TAKE LONG TO IMAGINE THIS SCENE AT ALL YOU PAINTED A VERY NICE TALE (SO TO SAY ) .
I FOR ONE LIKE IT WELL DONE
CHEERS
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Thanks for all the kind words. Seems like everyone likes some bit of it :wink:
Great recommendation, Scratch. I'll incorporate it immediatly.
I was thinking about doing this in Travis picking (like Dust in the Wind) and having a second female voice repeating every line. Thanks for the ideas about the chorus Scratch, I'm pretty sure I can use them.
I hope next time I'll find my own headline, but this was just too good not to use. Credits go to Taintedpoet!
Greetz,
Christiaan
hi christiaan:)
just wanted to let ya know I like it too :D especially the chorus, ending and the 'sundown' part
great job
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
