Year 4 Week 1

Hi bohh,
Well done with your first song :D . I can only agree with the sentiment here, check out this link
http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?t=15727

My only criticism is that the language you use is a little formal for my taste:
[G]we will work
[D]and we will play
[A]we will watch time
[D]slip away
something like:
And while we work and while we play
We will see time slip away feels better to me.
Or even pose the question:
And while we work and while we play
Will we see time slip away

Other than that well done. I look forward to playing it when I get home.

Cheers
pbee

Looks pretty good to me, especially for a first try....it's so nerve-wracking, isn't it, waiting for feed back, alll the time you're thinking, "Heck, I poured my heart and soul into this, PLEEEEEEEEEASE let them like it....."

It reads to me like a rough first draft of what, with a little time and effort, and some spit and polish, could be a very good song.....

It's got a nice flow to it, could do this either as a rocker or a ballad, or anything in-between....nice chord structure, if a little simplistic.....

The main criticism I have is the clashing of tenses.....

[G]Time will come (Future tense)
[D]and time will pass (future again)
[A]days go by (Present)
[D}they went so fast (past)

you're using three different tenses in the same verse, then in the next verse it's all in the future tense, as is most of the rest of the song.....

It's just that first verse, seems to me you've tried so hard to set the scene for the rest of the song, you've lost track of time....

Maybe somethig like this would work.....

"Time will come,
Time will pass,
Days'll go by
Oh so fast......

That way it's all in the same tense.....

It's OK to mix tenses....something's happened, now something else is happening, who know's what'll happen in the future....but mixing 3 tenses into 14 words just seemed a little like over kill....

As always, that's just one man's opinion...you and others may see it differently....just me being pedandantic?

For a first attempt, I'd give it a big thumbs-up.....hey I'm not Sharon Osborne (I know at least a hundred words beginning with F, and I could use ninety-nine of them in this forum without fear of censorship!) - I won't send you home....

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi Mike and welcome to the SSG - you picked a great week to start.

Your song is great for being your first one. Don't be afraid to tinker more with it - as Vic put it, "...with a little time and effort..."

One thing that I think will help would be to give your song some personal details or specifics. Good writing and good imagery depend on nailing the right word and you're pretty close.

Another tip - try doing critiques of the other SSG folk's songs for the week. Seeing what you like and don't like about someone else's style often helps you with your own writing.

Looking forward to reading a lot more of your material.

Peace

Very good try for a first song! The subject you write about is so very true.
I've got to agree with Pbee that the lines don't seem natural. But this way it is very easy for me to catch the flow of it, and that's a good thing. I think this one would sound great being sung, even though it seems a bit strange written down this way. Well done!

Good job!! First song or not you've done terrificly (is that a word?). I played it last night and I had trouble with the timing. When the song starts it seems like there are more words to fill the measure, but then towards the middle there are fewer and fewer words describing the scene. Doesnt mean its not right, of course (obviously if you've been singing and stumming it then it works), but I couldnt figure it out on that part.

But I love most the words you chose to use. I think the only one I didnt like was the same one that Pbee already pointed out.

Great job, keep em coming
Geoo

I reckon that the first few songs you write are more concerned with the "how" than the "what", and we see a lot of contributors posting their "first songs" here.

Nice work, bohh - always good to see the chord structure and we get strumming patterns too. This is a good first song.

Best,

A :-)

always good to see the chord structure and we get strumming patterns too.

I wanted to second that. It's much appreciated from those that like to read and critique the songs to be able to atleast play it.. or try to in my case. heh

Geoo

Thanks a lot for the support everyone. I'll have to add the suggestions you made. I really like your suggestions Pbee, it really sounds a lot smoother your way. And thank you Vic. I must admit that I didn't even think of the tenses as I was writing, but it's bound to be a problem. Tenses are something my college english teacher use to constantly point out in my work :oops:

Again thanks to everyone who took a look and left a comment. It's very encouraging!

Hi Bohn and welcome to SSG

I like your song Good Job

If it were me I would think hard about Pbee's suggestion:
Or even pose the question:

And while we work and while we play
Will we see time slip away

I think this would work very well

John

Hello and welcome ..........

I congratulate you on using chords that I can play ( laughter ) { I'm a beginner }

Just a couple of words I can't get my head around ( in Australia we would say please explain )

lize and arnnt

sorry me no compute

realize and aren't ?

(looks around and hopes he didn't spoil a funny)

ooooooops :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

I have never seen " ARNNT" I know AINT sorry

Realise never seen it spelt LIZE before

I need to get out more ....

I like this alot, other than fixing the tenses as Vic mentioned, it's very playable and the lyrics make you think. Very good work