Year 4 week 1

Hi Pierson

Glad to see you're writing again! As far as the assignment goes, I think you followed it pretty well. Your song definitely follows along with your inspiration.

What might make it a stronger song, though, is possibly taking a single aspect or a single article of all the ones you've read and put all the energy there instead of having it scattershot all around.

Your strongest verse (in my opinion naturally :wink: ) is this one:
My eyes have seen the glory of a death from many hands.
A child, very scared, and needing to cry.
No one there beside him. Gives in to no commands.
Corrupted, maybe changed, but never knowing why.

because you've got a very specific image here. I think that if you focused on this chld, about how he or she gets corrupted and changed (particularly when he or she "gives in to no commands") would make and interesting and compeling song.

And don't ever stop writing because you've written about everything! Many writers write about the same thing over and over again! What you write today is simply a snapshot of what you're thinking and feeling today and writing about the same topic again, maybe deliberately taking a different view, will be a great exercise (maybe I'm inadvertently taking one of Bob's future assignment ideas here! :wink: )

Looking forwarrd to reading more from you.

Peace

Pierson,
These eyes have seen the glory of a world gone to hell.
Gangs raping teens, and no one gives a f*ck.
Billions of taxes, so we can pay for the cells.
Crime is over running, and we're sh*t out of luck.

The first swear doesn't bother me at all, I'm not a prude... hopefully. But, I don't think the verse needs two. Just my opinion though.
This verse is the best part of your song for me. I personally think your emotions show through most on this part.
Glad to see you're writing again Ditto

Thanks for sharing. Rocket.

Pierson

Great seeing you again.

The verse David quoted and
It is hard to recall sweet dreams of this.
I can't determine what will come of this.
Starve, and slave, to make a life.
Then trash. And pay. And quit. And die.
My eyes have seen the last glories that this world may ever hold.
This world will stop turning and become the end of this show.

were my favorite verses. I also liked the talking but it didnt flow well for me. I think I would have said it something like:
Everthing good in this world must be embraced and consumed before it disappears. Make me cherish my memories, hopes and dreams before I corrode like the rest.

Doesnt means your is wrong just sounds like the sentences arent in good order. I streched out mine on the second sentence to adjust for timing (If that matters at all)

Now, I am a cusser for sure and probably should be ashamed of myself. But I think of cussing in songs like pepper in food. A little bit makes your senses perk up, but alot of it ruins the food. It was a bit over the top for me too (as rocketgirl pointed out).

I dont agree with the message of the song. But I totally respect the song. I am a sucker for songs that deal on the darker side of life.

Keep on writing. Your a terrific writer and I bet that there is alot more to write about than you are seeing.

Geoo

Hi pierson,
This is a very powerful song well done :D . There's one phrase in here that really appeals to me, this one:
…………and easily rest at ease.
I like the allusion to Rest In Peace.

I'm also not against profanity per se , but what happens for me is that I'm on the ride with the song and then BANG. The flow of the song stops dead and my emotions are hijacked. I'm not thinking of what your saying in the song anymore but reacting to the profanity. Other than that and the other comments above well done.
Good to see you writing again
cheers
pbee

I love the way you get the message across in these two lines....

"Starve, and slave, to make a life.
Then trash. And pay. And quit. And die. "

works great as it is, but maybe, just maybe.....thinking added accessibilty for the American Market,,,,,,

Starve, and slave, to make a life.
Then crash. And burn. And quit. And die.

Just a thought....I know it's a little cliche'd by now, but hell, try it, you never know, it might work.....

Profanity in songs? Hmmm - never tried it, I don't think....at least, not on one that stayed out of the rubbish bin for more than 3 secs....just doesn't work for me....

I'm with Oscar Wilde on this one......I hear so many kids out on the streets these days, their language is colourful to say the least.....one night, I asked a kid, how come you swear so much? (He was about 11, and every other word began with F.....) Don't they teach adjectives as school these days? Like BLUE or GOOD or VERY?

Reply was along the lines of "F you **** * old *"

And I reckon if there'd been four of 'em instead of two, they'd have been on me like a wolf pack smelling blood......

KIds, eh, gotta love 'em!!!!!

:D :D :D

Vic

Wow, lots of feedback here. Thanks.

I did want to only pick out the strong articles about crime and stuff because I like to write about what makes me upset. Writing is kind of like my release. I am such a happy person in real life, because everything bothering me goes into my songs (kind of like my sort of diary.) I don't know, maybe that's just me. And, since there haven't been very many conflicts in my life at the moment, it's hard to think of things to write.

(By the way, I have written about the same thing over and over again, but it is just hard to write it in a lot of different perspectives, which is what I like to do. :) )

The swearing: one of the most talked about topics here at GN whenever it's on the table( :) .) There was a lot of things that I wanted to say, as always, and no time to say 'em. I would like to not use the F bomb, but I am going to keep the sh*t out of luck part just because I like it. If someone can find a way to express "no one gives a f***" while rhyming to "luck" let me know. Or, if anyone can think of a whole different verse to replace it then go ahead. It's always good to try some new sentences out.

Hey vic, I was first going with the "crash and burn" cliche when I wrote the song, but since I already used the sentence "my eyes have seen the glory" (it's from a popular hyme in case nobody knows,) so I wanted to try drifting into more of the creative asspect instead of using known sentences. I still do like "crash" better, though.

And the talking I was thinking about moving that to the very beginning while the song is still quiet. Any opinions?

Thanks to all!

I think you've got some very good lyrics here. Great images and very strong, there's some obvious anger. As for the spoken lines, not easy to choose. If you put them somewhere in the middle of the song, you create some sort of resting point. Might be good to catch attention again, in case someone lost interest ;) But it might also be a good start of a song, to get things going.
And if you think you've written about everything already, then why not do have a go at some subjects again? There are uncountable love songs out there, no one bothers how often a subject has been written about already if it's a good song. You could also try writing something that doesn't make sense, that's not in any way connected with your life. Peaches from the presidents of the USA for example. I've tried to write a song about such a silly subject more than once, but I find that harder then to write about something that does matter to me. Might be a challenge for you too :)

And the talking I was thinking about moving that to the very beginning while the song is still quiet. Any opinions?

Always an opinion... I like it where it is.

Geoo

Good explanation, thanks....stick with what you got!

As for the talking, I'm with Geoo - leave it where it is, it's a nice counterpoint to the madness and mayhem going on all around....

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks.