Year 4, Week 31: Summer's here, it seems

I love the 2nd and 3rd verses, I think the first is a little weak (like English sunshine!) in comparison - I'm just wondering if you couldn't make it a little more dramatic? Something like a stray shaft of sunlight bursting through the curtain, catching you unawares....maybe start with you lying in bed at 11am, expecting yet another grey day.......

"Almost a panic
Gripping the nation
A spat of UV
Love that radiation!"

Love those lines, but I think frenzy might be a better word than panic.....

"Throw the kids
Out in the yard
You can't come in
Until it's dark"

Same with those lines, love 'em, but maybe "And don't come in, until it's dark!" - in inverted commas - might work there......

You definitely caught the spirit of the assignment, and the QUOTE fragility of the Great British Summertime UNQUOTE......I think you just need a few minor tweaks here and there, and you've got a really good, FUN, summer song!

:D :D :D

Vic

Cheers for the feedback Vic, I agree that the first vese is a little weak, the song actaully started off very different to how it came out! I'll see what I can do with that.

The only problem I see with changing the lines to "And don't come in, until it's dark!" is that it takes the verse from 3rd person to 1st person, and the song is supposed to showcase how we feel about summer as a nation (i.e. applicable to anyone), not about an individual.....

I'll have a think....

Pete

Edit; Wrote another first verse, what do you think?

Laying in bed
Another dull day
What else can I do
But whittle it away?
A sudden burst
Of sunshine's flow
Comes crashing through
My lone window

Edit; Wrote another first verse, what do you think?

Laying in bed
Another dull day
What else can I do
But whittle it away?
A sudden burst
Of sunshine's flow
Comes crashing through
My lone window......

I like it! - but maybe "Laze it away" or "sleep it away" instead of "whittle it away".... maybe I'm just being too picky, trying to finish my own song off and struggling a bit - getting to the frustrated stage now.....grrrrrrrrrr!

:D :D :D

Vic

I like the rewrite of the first verse as well. The chorus is really strong, simple and catchy. I'd like to suggest adding a line to the last chorus:

Off with the jumpers
Off with the jeans
On with the bathing suits
Its summer, it seems
At least for this week...

Peace

Thanks Mr H!

In the first few drafts of this song, the last chorus was different to the rest, as I was trying to show that the summer had come and was gone again already, but I couldn't get it to work.

And you just did it in one line!

Nice :)

Pete

Pete,

We have a saying here in "New"England

If you don't like the weather wait a minute.

I think you've caught that feeling well.

John

I like it, It kind of captures the manic nature of your summer, trying to catch a bit of it while its still within arms reach... or by the time you get out within sight. Like how I feel when it rains here in the desert, part of the attraction is just having it happen, and to elaborate on the first line being "weak" It just sounds weak as a first line because , ive found that most songs that start with a line telling you where they are are just slow lazy songs without a whole lot of energy to them, its always "laying" in bed or "just sittin here writin" or something and it doesnt have that exciting energy that it would have if a first like is an action, like jumping out of bed or scrambling to the floor would have, you know? But the magic of osngwriting is it can work however you want it to and the way the song kind of ebbs and flows it might work for you to have a "weak" line at the beginning.

Hi Pete.

I like this song, flows really well, and has some nice lines.

The only thing I would change is the last two lines of this verse

Throw the kids
Out in the yard
You can't come in
Until it's dark
Make the most
Of the summer sun
It came from nowhere
Soon it'll be gone

Instead of

It came from nowhere
Soon It'll be gone

Which seems a little stretched to me, how about

You'll only miss it
When it's gone

Just my opinion, you obviously have a tune in your head, and no doubt the way you wrote it fits well.

All in all though, a great job mate.