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Year 4 Wk 1 The Game

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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
Topic starter  

Hello and Happy SSG New Year.

I was having a tough time with this assignment until I
start read some of the other post. There seemed to be
an underlying theme of life's passage.
Dhodge's The Children of Donald and Alice, Pbee's Lost Boys
Karla's Wingless and Joe's Sensibility all touch on the subject.

So I decided to try what I was aiming for with weeks 51/52
which was to try and write my version of Dylan's Forever Young.
This came out to be a very different song then and I think I
came a little closer to target this time. Although it still has
a couple of dark spots.

The Game

You have miles of longing before you
Before the race is run
Pleasure and pain will befall you
You'll see clouds and you'll have the sun
Heartache and frustration
Will help you feel the joy
And as you grow into a man
You'll cherish when you where a boy

The game only has to be finished
It doesn't always need to be won
So put your all into
Whatever you do
And keep your heart and mind young

You may seek out your fame and good fortune
Before you find true love
The world has many temptations
That the words of the poets speak of
Yesterday's tomorrow
Is all you have for sure
So live life for the present
And find the strength to endure.

The game only has to be finished
It doesn't always need to be won
So put your all into
Whatever you do
And keep your heart and mind young

You have miles of longing before you
Before the race is run
Pleasure and pain will befall you
You'll see clouds and you'll have the sun
Heartache and frustration
Will help you feel the joy
And as you grow into a man
You'll cherish when you where a boy

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@dan-t)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5044
 

John,
Very nice. I like it. I think you achieved what you were going for. Good job.

"The only way I know that guarantees no mistakes is not to play and that's simply not an option". David Hodge


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey John,
This is an excellent job you've done here :D . This has something about it that is new for you I think, but I just cant put my finger on it. Whatever it is, I really like it. Well done. Having said how great this is please allow me to be just a little bit critical. Don't get me wrong I think this song works well as it is but, I would really have preferred the last verse to be unique and not a repeat of the first. That said I still think this is a great song.
Cheers
pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi

Just adding in on the congrats club this is great well done ...

If I could offer anything in reponse to improve your song I would but I have nothing to say except this is

E X C E L L E N T

hilch

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi John

The chorus is a thing of beauty! It's so simply put but it packs a ton of emotion. Depending on who and what the listener's imagination develops in terms of a "narrator," it can be earnest or a little wistful.

I understand PBee's wish for a different third verse, but I'm not sure it's necessary. Perhaps having a bridge instead of a third verse, followed by an instrumental verse and then a final chorus might be one way to go. For that matter, simply making the last verse instrumental is good if you want. I'm finding more and more that it's better to write less and be happy than to write a verse that you're not pleased with and that ultimately takes away from what you've built up.

Looking forward, as always, to more of your songs.

Peace


   
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(@karla)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 137
 

So live life for the present
And find the strength to endure.

I only quoted this line because it seems so very true for me at the mo... The whole song is brilliant, not only this quoted part. Can't tell you exactly why but I know I like it :)


   
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 Nils
(@nils)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2849
 

Well done John. Of course I want to hear it recorded.

Nils' Page - Guitar Information and other Stuff
DMusic Samples


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
Topic starter  

Thank You Everybody,

Pbee made a couple of comments that I find interesting.
This has something about it that is new for you I think, but I just cant put my finger on it. Whatever it is, I really like it.

I think he is right and I'm sure not myself. My theory is that
when I write I tend to "hide" behind the characters created
for the song. This is true even in my more personal songs.

I see this as me just speaking my mind.

Which leads into the second comment
I would really have preferred the last verse to be unique and not a repeat of the first.

I understand what he is saying saying but I tend to agree
with David this may just be one of those cases where less is
more. I think anything I tried would come out forced.

But you never know when The Muse will decide to mess
with your head and drop an idea in there.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@teleplayer324)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1506
 

Lovely job. Not sure why but when reading over the lyrics I could hear Jackson Browne singing it in my head

Immature? Of course I'm immature Einstein, I'm 50 and in a Rock and ROll band.

New Band site http://www.myspace.com/guidedbymonkeys


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi John
I see this as me just speaking my mind. .

I think you might be right, and thats what makes it so powerful, great job

pbee


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

I really hate critiquing your songs, it's not that I want to find fault but it gets boring after a while saying "Hey I Like This!"....

But you've done it again, come up with another good one....at first read, looked like another song for Shaun, and hell, why not?

Reminds me of someone, not quite Dylan, possibly Arlo or Woody in reflective mood.....

Your writing has definitely taken on a different tone these last few weeks....we're all victims of circumstance, and it's probably the situation you were in a few weeks ago that's led to this new "darker" style.....although I'd think of it as more reflective, counting your blessings....

Keep 'em coming John....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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 Joe
(@joe)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 504
 

Love the song, John. I don't really think it needs anymore. Pbee probably just liked it so much, he didn't want it to be over. Great sentiment. Great lyrics.

How's your grandson doing?

Joe


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
Topic starter  

Thank You for the critiques

Thank You also to all of you asking about
my grandson Shaun.

We are happy to report that he is doing well
and sheduled to be released from Spaulding
Rehabilitation Hospital on Nov. 22

He is an amazing young man with a spirit
that will not quit.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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