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Year 5, Week 1 - I am

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(@mhlandry)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 37
Topic starter  

Okay, so this is my first attempt at this Sunday Songrwiter's Group stuff. I almost didn't do it, because I usually just write stuff that comes to me or that has been on my mind for awhile, but I laid down tonight and this happened. Oh well. It's a bit late, and probably more of a poem than a song.

I am

I am and I'm not
A sinner and a saint
Some labels today
And others tomorrow

I lay and I wait
I look up at the stars
I think and I do
Whatever seems best

I learn and I teach
No black and white here
But in colors so sharp
It gets hard to see

Hero and villain
I guess we all are
But I wonder what she
thinks about me


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi its' always good to see a new face / name in here

One thing about SSG though we are given a theme by our Lord and master Sir Bob every Sunday ( England time ) to write a song that follows the guide lines he sets ..And being faithful servants we follow this great man as the journey of song writting fullfils our dreary lives ...

Nahhhh only joking but we do have a theme for each weeks song the link below is this weeks theme ..

https://www.guitarnoise.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=28785

Your song .
.First verse
A sinner and a saint ? Maybe a sinner or a saint since they are opposites one can't be both at the same time unless your very good at being bad I suppose ..

Another bit that just don't seem right to me is

"Hero and villain " , Hero or a villian ..I think sounds a bit better

Thanks for shareing your song and I hope my reply is helpful if not ignore me as I am no great song writer myself as you know and thanks for your response to my song ..

cHeers

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@rocketgirl)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 206
 

mhlandry,

In your critique with Hilch you wrote
I like the metaphors. It's very hard to write a song like this--to me at least. I can never seem to come up with the right words
It seems you know what you want more of in your song and now it's just the hard work to "come up with the right words".

Welcome aboard!


   
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(@mhlandry)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 37
Topic starter  

Hi its' always good to see a new face / name in here

One thing about SSG though we are given a theme by our Lord and master Sir Bob every Sunday ( England time ) to write a song that follows the guide lines he sets ..And being faithful servants we follow this great man as the journey of song writting fullfils our dreary lives ...

Nahhhh only joking but we do have a theme for each weeks song the link below is this weeks theme ..

https://www.guitarnoise.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=28785

I noticed, but this idea just came to me so I thought I'd share it :)

Your song .
.First verse
A sinner and a saint ? Maybe a sinner or a saint since they are opposites one can't be both at the same time unless your very good at being bad I suppose ..

Another bit that just don't seem right to me is

"Hero and villain " , Hero or a villian ..I think sounds a bit better

cHeers

Well... the idea is that the question of identity is not a simple one. We are different things to different people, even at the same time. (Just taking a random example) Look at James Bond -- hero to British/Americans, villain to Russians. Or if you prefer a more real world example, George Bush will do -- loved by some and hated by some, but the same man.

As a Western society, we tend to compartmentalize everything. But who you are can't be easily chategorized--at least to me. I wanted to purposefully throw in some contradictory characters in an exaggerated way to hint at this idea. I think my second stanza is not a good one though, doesn't quite fit in with the theme. I should fix that stanza and probably add another, but it was late and already past the due date :)


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi and welcome, mhlandry, to the SSG. Don't worry about turning in assignments "late," as some of us never seem to get any of them done on time (I'm hoping to get "week 1" finished sometime before December! :wink: )

I like this but there are two things that I wonder about. First, I like the way you set up the whole "label" thing in the first verse and how it repeats through out the song (sinner/saint, black/white, hero/villian) but you totally leave any out in verse two, which I think is a little soon to abandon a thread that ties the song together. Maybe taking out the second line and replacing it with this (or something like this) might help:

I lay and I wait
Weighing right and wrong
I think and I do
Whatever seems best

And in the last verse, the last two lines seem too packaged. I'm not sure I can explain it, but in my ears it kind of cheapens the deeper thoughts that are going on before it. Of course, that could be the whole intent and it certainly works that way.

Anyway, that's my proverbial two cents, good for whatever rate they may be exchanged. A hearty welcome to the Sunday Songwriters and I look forward to reading more from you.

Peace


   
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(@mhlandry)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 37
Topic starter  

Hi and welcome, mhlandry, to the SSG. Don't worry about turning in assignments "late," as some of us never seem to get any of them done on time (I'm hoping to get "week 1" finished sometime before December! :wink: )

I like this but there are two things that I wonder about. First, I like the way you set up the whole "label" thing in the first verse and how it repeats through out the song (sinner/saint, black/white, hero/villian) but you totally leave any out in verse two, which I think is a little soon to abandon a thread that ties the song together. Maybe taking out the second line and replacing it with this (or something like this) might help:

I lay and I wait
Weighing right and wrong
I think and I do
Whatever seems best

Yup, that's better.

And in the last verse, the last two lines seem too packaged. I'm not sure I can explain it, but in my ears it kind of cheapens the deeper thoughts that are going on before it. Of course, that could be the whole intent and it certainly works that way.

Anyway, that's my proverbial two cents, good for whatever rate they may be exchanged. A hearty welcome to the Sunday Songwriters and I look forward to reading more from you.

Peace

I originally had it down as "But I wonder what you'd / think about me." Is that any better? Otherwise I'm not sure I follow...

Thanks for the feeback.


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Mhlandry

Welcome To SSG.

I won't add anything. You got some good advice and
have a lot to think about. I wouldn't want to add to the
confusion.

Just wanted to say Hi and welcome you

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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