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Year 5 Week 1 - with MP3

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(@rocketgirl)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 206
Topic starter  

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I've posted, actually since I've written a song. Thanks for reading.

Sunlit (?)

V1
I saw you the other day
Were you trapped behind her eyes
Or was that just a girl
A girl walking by

V2
I heard your voice today
Whispering in the air
Right where I left you
Forgotten somewhere

Chorus
I found you now I can feel you
I feel you now I can fly
I forgive you now I can love you
I love you in your light

V3
Thought I felt you yesterday
You might have been in the rain
Have you been waiting long
I'm so glad you came

Chorus

Bridge
Wipe away your tears little girl
I only want to give you the world
Don't be afraid of what you are
And keep your pocket full of stars

Chorus
I found you now I can feel you
I feel you now I can fly
I forgive you now I can love you
I love you in your light

All comments appreciated, Gwynne.


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Gwynne,

Where have you been? It's would seem from your song
you've been getting in touch with your inner child.

Nice Job

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Gwynne,
welcome back. I like this song a lot, I like its sentiment and I like what your doing in the chorus, that illiteration works well. My only comment is that I dont think the last line of the chorus quite works, the sentiment yes, but the lyric, hmmm im not so sure.
For me, if you could work this line (or something like it)
I love you because you're you

it would be awesome (just my opinion of course)

Great song

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@rocketgirl)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 206
Topic starter  

Thanks for the warm welcome back. Because it was the start of a new year I thought this was my chance to jump back in.

I also wasn't too sure on the last line in the chorus (thought it rhymed well with fly). I'll decide on the last line when I put it to music. Great alternatives, thank you, G.


   
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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
 

rocketgirl,

I like this piece a lot. The line, "I love you in your light" -- I kinda like it. It fits with the rest of the chorus. I'm not exactly sure what you meant by it, but it feels like one of those lines that people would internalize when they hear it. In other words, the meaning I take from it may not be the meaning you intended, but that makes it more personal to the listener. Other people will lie awake thinking "what in the world did she mean by that?". Either way, it will be one of those lines that keeps your song in their heads.

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Welcome back, Gwynne....

I like this piece, it's kind of hard to explain why - Scratchmonkey mentioned it's one of those songs where the listener/reader can put their own interpretation on things, to me it's slightly vague and ambiguous, like looking at clouds - different people see different shapes - which gives it an edgy feeling, a bit mysterious....

If I was to dig deeply into the lyrics, I'd probably come up with a different interpretation to what you meant....

Like I said, difficult to explain - but looking over the song as a whole, it's well structured and got a good flow to it....be interesting to see what you come up with music-wise.....

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hi

The first verse is beautiful I love it well done

What Paul suggested :

I love you because you're you

Maybe the final line after your final chorus ( just my thoughts )

Well done

cheers

Trev..

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@rocketgirl)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 206
Topic starter  

Just thought I would post the link so you could hear the melody. Obviously, still a work in progress. Gwynne.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=341688


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

that was lovely MP3

Thanks for shareing your singing and playing

I had the volume turned down really low as it is nearly 1 am when I listened to it , what I heard was great ..

Cheers

Trev...

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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 Bob
(@bob)
Noble Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 908
 

Hi Gwynne

Good to see you back writing here.

I really like the way the song sounds - the chorus works really well as PBee pointed out. There's a good flow and a very good structure to the song. I like the way it's written as a personal study it comes across really well.

MP3 was good - puts it all into context.

Great stuff

Keep writing

Bob :wink:

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Hi Gwynne

Nothing really to add to all the advice but wanted to wish you a big "welcome back" and look forward to reading more of your material this "new year" in the SSG.

Peace


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hey Gwynne,

just played the mp3, lovely job. I have to say I admire your ability to sing that song with all that was going on around you, well done.

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@rocketgirl)
Reputable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 206
Topic starter  

Thanks for all of the replies.

pbee wrote
I have to say I admire your ability to sing that song with all that was going on around you
That's my life I love! :lol:


   
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