Year 5 - week 14 -- The Great Escape

Hi'a Sctrach,

Lots a fun to read but as it is only a draft I thought I'd give my 2c worth, hope you don't mind, but it was such fun to read. !!!!!!!! i had Arlo Gutherie's Alices restaurant going though my head and can just hear it in a similar fashion with the last two lines spoken , the very last line of each verse with emphasis, highlighted, with pictures taken from each side, 8 x 10 glossies with the seeing eye dog......... sorry getting carried away here !!!!!!

Her hair was red her eyes were green,
The prettiest thing I'd ever seen,
Then she smiled
and she stole my heart

I knew I'd never want another,
'til she said "let's go meet mother",
When she hesitated,
I turned tail and ran.

I got a lucky break,
made a great escape,
I went running for the hills
no turning back
Didn't know how far,
came across a car,
now I'm toolin' in
a long black Cadillac.

Love this bit - shouldn't change a thing, although I have no idea what "toolin' " is

The sun was bright, the air was clean,
prettiest day I'd ever seen,
with the wind
in my hair

I was young, wild and free.
checkingbut in the mirror, I could see
flashing lights
A cops delight

now I know they were getting nearer,
so I tried to think clearer
took the next exit
of the highway

It was a lucky break,
made a great escape,
I ditched that car
at the next woods that I found.
Left the keys right there.
No I didn't' care
I just headed o'er
a rise that lead to town

The beer was cold, the lights were dim,
about the time I stumbled in,
I figured
I could stay

Could blend in here. so had a whiskey,
then a deputy cuffed and frisked me,
and stuffed me
in a squad car
in the rear.

I would add a lot on here to make a point of all they do to you.

I need a lucky break,
don't see no escape,
and things don't look
to cheerful from in here.
can't seem to find a way,
guess I'm here to stay,
at least for
another seven years.
_________________

Have fun with this one it will be well worth the effort if you find the time.

Go well Ja'mir :wink:

I like it Scratch - I was expecting most songs this week to be along the lines of "Hey you nearly got me but I got away..." like the way you turned it around and surprised me.

"When she hesitated,
I turned tail and ran"

Seems to me it'd be the narrator/you who hesitated.....thought about it twice - then ran.

"I hesitated at first, then I turned tail and ran.".....might be a more logical progression.

In this part....

" now I'm toolin' in
a long black Cadillac. "

you might think about a couple of extra syllables - maybe something like

"now I'm tooling along
in a long black Cadillac"

I know it's repetition - but it's kind of onomatopaeic, kind of goes with the rhythm. Don't know what kind of music you have in mind, but I was playing a fastish, 3-chord 12-bar shuffle - seemed to work fine.

Rest of the song works fine for me - for a rough draft, I'd say it's almost a completed work, doesn't need much at all.

:D :D :D

Vic

Jamir -- Thanks for the suggestions. I really like some of the re-worded sections. "tooling" or "toolin' " is an old term for "cruising".

Vic -- Regarding the hesitation, -- I was thinking along the lines of: her attention was diverted for a second or two, and the narrator seizes that brief opportunity to flee. I should probably re-work that a bit so it comes across better. I'll look over your other suggestion if/when I get back to this one. (my schedule's been swamped lately)

bushpig -- I'm a big fan of both Arlo and Woody. (probably Arlo a bit more, he's closer to my generation)