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Year 6 Week 1 - Green Cross Code

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(@mr-blue-eyes)
Trusted Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 58
Topic starter  

The small boy was left crying, crying in the middle of a busy street
The small boy was left dying, dying in the middle of a busy street
The young boy's mother was left crying when she found her precious boy dying

The small boy's father, a man of great stature, broke down when he say his wife crying
Oh why he cried as he saw his golden boy dying in the middle of the street
Bracing her in his arms as she broke down, how could this happen to one so small

Shocked and stunned by what he saw, the driver of the car shook his head once more
The boy had not been looking, looking both ways as he crossed the busy street
If only the young boy had known his green cross code

I've also done a 12 bar blues progression for the other assignment. I'll get it posted up later.

All comments welcome :D

NB: Cheer Drunkrock for the suggestion on expanding the verse but I've had a brainstorm of a better idea so once again all comment welcome


   
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(@drunkrock)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 159
 

I think the word you are looking for is "avail"; as in: "He tried, but to no avail".

There is some meter issues, so might want to look at expanding your verses. Good start.


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Hi, Mr Blue Eyes - first of all, let me say this is a refreshingly different slant on the topic, and it starts VERY promisingly....

"The small boy was left crying, crying in the middle of a busy street
The small boy was left dying, dying in the middle of a busy street
The young boy's mother was left crying when she found her precious boy dying"

I really like this verse, there's a nice subtle change between lines one and two, and I like the change in rhyme scheme between lines 1, 2 and 3 - normally, in a 12-bar blues, you'd expect A A A, not A A B/B so that's quite unusual. Only thing is, the last line's where a bit of repetition starts to creep in....you could possibly try something like, "His mother started crying, when she found her precious son dying.".....that would cut out two repetitions of "boy" and one unnecessary adjective.

"The small boy's father, a man of great stature, broke down when he say his wife crying
Oh why he cried as he saw his golden boy dying in the middle of the street
Bracing her in his arms as she broke down, how could this happen to one so small"

OK, here you've got small boy and golden boy - we already know he's small, and he's precious (golden's just another way of saying that) so you're not adding anything - and the rhyming scheme's completely gone. And do we need to know the boy's father is a "man of great stature?" Seems to me it's irrelevant, it's just padding.

Maybe something like...

"The boy's father broke down when he saw his wife's utter desperation,
And screamed out loud as he took in the grim situation,
Took his dying boy in his arms, though too late to keep him from harm."

OK, that's not perfect - it's just the first thing that came to mind, and it'd need tweaking a little to fit the meter - but it'd A - cut out the padding and repetition, and B - continue the unusual rhyme scheme.

"Shocked and stunned by what he saw, the driver of the car shook his head once more
The boy had not been looking, looking both ways as he crossed the busy street
If only the young boy had known his green cross code."

Here the imagery's pretty strong, and the message is hammered home.....but again, it's pretty untidy. Maybe.....

"Shocked and stunned, the driver shook his head with regret,
He knew nightmares would follow, and he'd never forget,
Unlike the boy, dying in the road, who'd forgotten his green cross code."

Again, that's just off the top of my head - I'm sure you could come up with something better, given time to think about it - but again, it's cutting out all the unnecessary repetition, and again, it's sticking to your rhyming scheme.

Never be satisfied with your first draft - you've had a very good idea for a song, and it started well, but then just seemed to fizzle out - remember, songwriting's like any form of the arts, you have to WORK at it!

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@davidhodge)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

Vic's given a lot of good advice. A great thing to remember is that songs are sung. When in doubt about how the words are going to flow, try singing them to hear what it's going to be like. Any melody will do and it doesn't matter if you sing well or not. You'll know when you're tongue tied! :wink:

And not only will this help you with things like meter, it can also help you to hear how the words will be understood. Singing is very different from reciting. Words parse differently and can be very easily slurred. Song lyrics are heard more often than read, and that is one of the things that makes writing them problematic. You can come up with a dynamite line but not necessarily come up with one that can be sung.

There is great stuff to work with here and I'm looking forward to reading more of your material. And hopefully getting a chance to hear your music too!

Peace


   
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(@mr-blue-eyes)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 58
Topic starter  

Thank you very much Vic & Hodge for taking the time to suggesting improvements, I've reworked some of it from your suggestions

The small boy was left crying, crying in the middle of a busy street
The small boy was left dying, dying in the middle of a busy street
The young boy's mother was left crying when she found her precious son dying

The boy's father, a man of great stature, his broke down when he saw his son broken body
Oh why he cried as he embracing his wife in his arms, how could this happen to one so small
Now the boy's mother and father were left crying in the middle of the street

Shocked and stunned, the driver of the car shook his head in disbelieved
The boy had not been following the green cross code as he entered the road
Now his parents where in auto pilot mode


   
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