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Year 6 Week one - Torture  

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(@pearlthekat)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 1475
03/11/2007 10:09 pm  

I hope this fits the description:

I read it in the paper today
I said, I read in the paper today
It said right there, said torture is OK

You think it''s a game to play
It's like a game you wanna play
this torturing me all damn day

You keep it up I'm gonna go
You keep it up I'm gonna go
all there'll be left to say is I told you so

?? I didn't say darn I said da n. i know we're family friendly around here but.....


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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 10340
03/11/2007 11:29 pm  

I hope this fits the description:

Oh yes. It's a blues, it fits the topic and it fits nicely to a 12-bar meter.

One little thing though - well, two little things, really, but they're on the same subject.... you might want to find a way to fit the word "torture" - or some derivative thereof - into the third verse, as that's the underlying theme.

"You keep it up I'm gonna go" - shouldn't be too much like hard work to make that something like "You keep up this torture, I'm gonna go...." or "you keep torturing me, I'm gonna go."

Or alternatively, find two different similes for the word torture for the second and third verses...."playing with my mind all darn day" for the second verse, "keep up this (mental) cruelty, I'm gonna go" for the third. (the word "mental" being optional, depending on line length.)

And the second little thing? Title - got to call it "Torture."

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2653
03/11/2007 11:41 pm  

Pearl,

This fits the assignment very well.

Not much more to say that Vic hasn't already covered.

Good Job

John

My SoundClick Page Collaborations" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


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(@pearlthekat)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 1475
04/11/2007 1:05 am  

i'll get around to changing it...tomorrow!


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(@pearlthekat)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 1475
04/11/2007 9:46 am  

I read it in the paper today
said, I read in the paper today
It was right there, said torture is now OK

You think it''s all a game thats fun to play
this is all like a game you wanna play
this torturing of me all day, every day

You keep it up I swear I'm gonna go
You keep torturing me, said I'm gonna go
all there'll be left to say is I told you so


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(@martin-6)
Reputable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 418
04/11/2007 3:28 pm  

Very interesting theme, pearlthekat!
I don't follow the news that closely but I take it this is a political song?

I think the first and third verses are strong (the first especially is arresting!) but the "game that's fun to play" part doesn't really grab me. Maybe because the transition from reading the paper to playing games is a little abstract.

I would suggest drafting 3-4 more verses (not for inclusion in the song) and see if you can't come up with something which really makes a strong connection between reading the paper (v1), and wanting to go away (v3). I bet you can find the perfect verse 2!


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 4485
04/11/2007 9:25 pm  

I'm taking this (the "torture") part of it as being part of a relationship and not political. The irony being that since torture is okay for governments (as seen in the paper), then it's okay for people to officially and openly start torturing each other in relationships instead of being a bit more discreet about it. And since many people (and stereotypically guys) think of relationships as games, the second verse made sense to me. But this particular read could all be from the mood I'm in...

I liked the rewrite, but I can't help wondering about the last line and thinking it should be more powerful. "I told you so..." seems a little on the "game" side of things as well. I'll be thinking about this one, too, for a while I think...

Peace


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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2653
05/11/2007 9:27 pm  

Pearl,

Good rewrite.

I'm thinking that the word "torture " may be slightly overused.
You might think of changing it to something like "tormenting"
or "puninshing" in the second verse.

Then again that is the title of the song

John

My SoundClick Page Collaborations" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2097
08/11/2007 11:02 pm  

Pearl,
I think you have the bones of a classic blues song here. Maybe a bit of tweaking here and there, for example:
You think it''s all a game thats fun to play
this is all like a game you wanna play
but this game's a torture for me every day

You keep it up I swear I'm gonna go
You keep up the torture, said I'm gonna go
all there'll be left to say is I told you so

or
"You keep up the with that game, said I'm gonna go"

These are just some ideas I had but I think what you have works fine.

Cheers
Paul

Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@pearlthekat)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 1475
08/11/2007 11:13 pm  

i like your's better. consider it changed. i'm just too lazy to retype it!


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