Year 8 Week 42 - A Line Of Salt

Hi Scrybe,

Good start :D

The emotional dissatisfaction and waiting comes across from the singer.

Suggestions:
#1 I missread this the first time, but I liked the way the misread came across....more direct and personal-what do you think?

I love you, my dear
That's what I wrote
You call it a gesture
I call it an honest note

#2 Consider fixing a physical place and communication. Right now it is unclear and is confusing.....Is the singer talking to the singee on the phone, writing another letter, thinking to themself?

#3 Consider establishing a bit more about the phase of the relationship. It plays into the expectations for the listener on who's at fault for the source of the angst. Has the relationship not really started and the singer is hoping it will...maybe cross from friends to more? or Have they been in a long term relationship and the singee forgot it was their anniversary that night? or Has the singee lost interest and moved on in another relationship?

With these kind of questions unanswered, its hard for the listener to know where to hang the emotions on. I either want to say "Yeah, this singee is a jerk. Why are you staying with them? or Wow! that singer is out of touch with reality and expectations...which would also be ok The Corpse Bride has a song in it like that where the corpse bride is coming to terms that maybe a living person wouldn't chose to marry a dead person as the bride finds out about the living fiance "Tears to Share" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rapm7TKlPs

Thanks for sharing.

James

Thanks for the detailed comments, James! Yeah, with this, I wrote the chorus and then got so excited by having a chorus (heh, even the last line of the chorus was rhyming for rhyming's sake, tbh) and something appropriate for this week's SSG, I just rhymed the verses out as best I could, but there wasn't much thought to it making sense or being solid. :roll:

This one will take a lot of work - right now, I feel I could easily jettison all the verses, or just rework them. I'm gonna let it sit for a day, and maybe get some more feedback, and then go back to it and try to polish it up. Right now, I need a theme for the piece, and the chorus wasn't supposed to take that "Forget about my faults" downturn, only I couldn't think of "alt" rhymes, so we'll see how this one goes.

Before the rhyming crisis, I was leaning more towards a bawdy drinking song, but then I caved in favour of writing something. :lol: I might try to steer it back in that direction as I work on the music.

Thanks again for commenting, much appreciated. :D

Hi Scrybe,

The chorus is great! Line of salt with a shot of Tequila if I
were still a drinking man I'd go out and one or two o those.

If you insist on changing the last line maybe something like:

To convince myself it's not my/your fault
#2 Consider fixing a physical place and communication. Right now it is unclear and is confusing.....Is the singer talking to the singee on the phone, writing another letter, thinking to themself?

I've got to agree. First it sounds like the narrator is alone then there are friends at the table
and then alone going off on some metaphorical boat.

Each verse stands well on it's own but as a whole they don't meld.

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

Thanks, Celt! I still haven't decided whether to jettison everything except the first 3 lines of the chorus, or just try to tighten what I have here. Agreed on it being very disjointed, though. Far too many moments with me going "okay, I have a line....now, what rhymes with note?" and so on!

the chorus wasn't supposed to take that "Forget about my faults" downturn, only I couldn't think of "alt" rhymes, so we'll see how this one goes.
To broaden your choices, this is a search result for family rhymes for "salt":
auld, Ault, bald, balled, bawled, called, crawled, drawled, fault, Galt, gault, halt, hauled, malt, mauled, scald, scrawled, sprawled, stalled, vault, Wald, walled, Walt, appalled, at fault, bank vault, bare-walled, be called, blood-scrawled, box scald, brick-walled, clear-walled, close-hauled, cross fault, default, dip fault, dredge malt, drum malt, enthralled, exalt, fan vault, far-called, find fault, foot fault, glass-walled, groin vault, groined vault, half-bald, high-walled, hinge fault, in fault, installed, lag fault, leaf scald, mud-walled, My Fault, no fault, no fault, no-balled, pole vault, rear vault, recalled, red-walled, rib vault, rib-mauled, ribbed vault, rough-walled, sea-walled, self called, slope-walled, smooth-walled, so called, steam-hauled, steep-walled, step fault, strike fault, the halt, thick-walled, thin-walled, thrust fault, trunk scald, turf-walled, twice-called, twin-balled, two-stalled, uncalled, well-called, well-walled, Welsh vault, white-walled, wine vault, wood-walled, amber malt, apple scald, at a halt, barley scald, barrel vault, be at fault, be at fault, bedding fault, by default, call a halt, Cathy Called, cloister vault, cloistered vault, comma fault, common fault, corbel vault, cradle vault, crystal malt, double fault, earthquake fault, gable-walled, grinding halt, hug a fault, in default, inclined fault, loco-hauled, love-enthralled, mountain-walled, normal fault, party-walled, pre-installed, re-exalt, reverse fault, sail close-hauled, scissors fault, single-walled, sleep-enthralled, strike-slip fault, stucco-walled, to a fault, transform fault, tunnel vault, wagon vault, well-installed, wooden-walled, wooden-walled, being at fault, being in fault, bring to a halt, burial vault, come to a halt, cranberry scald, domical vault, gravity fault, grind to a halt, I Should've Called, It Ain't My Fault, It's All Your Fault, overlap fault, quasi default, quasi-installed, horizontal fault, let go by default, locomotive-hauled, safe-deposit vault, San Andreas Fault, assessment on default, come to a grinding halt, come to a screaming halt, generous to a fault, geological fault, safety-deposit vault, come to a shuddering halt, time lost cannot be recalled, every extremity is a fault

Each verse stands well on it's own but as a whole they don't meld.
There's seems to be just one line that pulls the verses away from the image of someone writing a note . . .

Old friends at my table

Maybe if that is changed to something like;

The friends we had in common

Glad to see you writing again, Scrybe . . . after all, isn't that what Scrybes are for?

Happy Vic?

Oh yeah! Good to see you back in here!

Song's a bit .... simplistic, a bit minimal, but sometimes a song without a whole shedful of imagery can stil suck you in and grab your attention. I like this, and given your current preoccupation with playing jazz, I'm looking forward to an MP3 of this with some slowish jazzy chords.

I really wouldn't change much at all - I can understand KR2's quibble with the "friends at my table" line, but it seems to work well enough for me.

Here's my suggestion - put music to your lyrics. If the lyrics sound OK while you're singing them to your music, then they probably are. There's enough imagery there to keep the reader/listener thinking - and, as my old dad used to say, if it ain't broke, don't try and fix it. Too many songs die an unnatural death because the writer's striving for perfection - there's NO SUCH THING! Dylan came close, Lennon too - but they were geniuses. Genii? No matter - don't be TOO fussy, trying to find the perfect word to fit - 999,999 times out of a million, people will marvel at the obscure, arcane sideways references you come up with. If they don't know what you're writing about, they'll think, "Wow, this guy's (or in your case, this girl's) clever - what the hell's he (she) on about? Way outta my league!" - and you probably are - as long as YOU know what you mean!

Write to please yourself first of all - if you like it, chances are someone else will. If you're not sure, chances are still high someone else will like it. Take note of feedback....then YOU decide where the song's going to go! As Rick(y) Nelson once said, "Can't please everybody, so you got to please yourself!"

:D :D :D

Vic

I really wouldn't change much at all - I can understand KR2's quibble with the "friends at my table" line, but it seems to work well enough for me.

Well, . . . it wasn't my quibble.
I was just addressing remarks made by other(s)

Thanks for all the comments, guys!

Vic - I know what you're saying, but I really was hoping to make the Tequila reference into more of a drinking song. I just failed most miserably to do the happy hour effect on this, haha! Will revisit it and try to rewrite, methinks.

wow, James was thorough with his possible rhymes... I think that by the end of the song I'd be throwing out the salt and going straight to the worm.
I really was hoping to make the Tequila reference into more of a drinking song.

i would like more details about this "dear" though, who was wrong? (but then if you explain, it might end up sounding like "margarita ville"). I do agree that floating off to golden shores is rather tangental as currently written. I feel like you'd have to explain a bit more of why you'd want to get away. If you want a drinking song, just make the bar that golden shore.

Jeremy

If you want a drinking song, just make the bar that golden shore.
Jeremy
Or make it a story in which a fair maiden's virtues are . . . surmounted.
With bawdy lyrics, innuendos, double entendres, and a rowdy chorus.