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year 9 Wk 22 All That I Got

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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2649
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Kind of a twist on the assignment but I think it works

All That I Got

I ain't no doctor
With some big fancy car
I ain't no NFL superstar
My account's in the red
More often than not
But if you stay by me
I'll give you all that I got

I ain't a no lawyer
Don't wear no suit and tie
I'm more of a jeans and t-shirt guy
I'm telling you Baby
I ain't got a lot
But if you stay by me
I'll give you all that I got

(ALL THAT I GOT)

I got a love that's true

(ALL THAT I GOT)

Got tender kisses too

(ALL THAT I GOT)

I got the sky of blue

(ALL THAT I GOT)

I'll give it all to you.

And though I ain't got squat
I'll give you all that I got

I ain't no genius
But I sure ain't no fool
Ain't got no kingdom
I don't follow the rules
And as I've told you before
I ain't got a lot
But if you stay by me
I'll give you all that I got

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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Chris C
(@chris-c)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 3454
 

Sigh..... hard to fault.... again.....

About the only thing that didn't quite fly for me was... Wait, let's rephrase that, it flew but not quite as well as the rest of it... was the line "But if you stay by me". It sound like she might be about to push off, which I don't think was the intention.

Maybe it's just me, but it felt like you started with "stand by me" and changed it for the obvious reason that's it's such a well known song line already. But I guess that "if you come with me", "if you're lovin' me", "if you consent to engage in a meaningful life partnership arrangement with me" etc, aren't really much of an improvement though. :?

I wasn't entirely sure about offering her the blue sky either, as she already has access to that. And phrasing it "sky of blue" rather than 'blue sky' sounded slightly odd - a bit Yellow Submarine... But this is a song not a legal document, so the meaning is pretty clear. Yes, I guess it was it was a fairly sharp twist on the brief, but it's still a good song and I can imagine audiences liking it.

Chris


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
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Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

Hi John,

It's looking good :D Nice song concept.

Some bits and pieces trip me up on the read, but maybe your delivery makes the lines work. For example:
But if you stay by me

But if you stay with me
I'll give you all that I got
I'll give you all I've got

I like "All I Got" better than "All That I Got"
...but again if I heard it, I might not even make these suggestions as they seem minor until I hear the delivery.

Thanks for sharing.

James


   
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martin-6
(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 418
 

Just a small nitpick, I don't really get the line "I got the sky of blue". I take it this is some kind of metaphorical expression like "I'd give you the world". My problem is, it seems too poetic and out of character for a guy who wears t-shirts and is permanently in the red (you did a great job of describing him as a less-than-average Joe!) And I don't think the sky of blue would convince your woman - she can have blue skies any time she wants. I'd feel it was more in character if you described something tangible that he's got - perhaps "a heart big enough for two"?


   
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wilhelmina
(@wilhelmina)
Estimable Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 56
 

I just like it and that's all I have to say. I like the story. Two thumbs up from me. Wilhelmina


   
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