Year 9 Wk 4 Once Upon A Summer's Day/MP3 Added

Hi John,

Good start :D ....nice story build up, I had know idea how it would end....and that's a good thing :wink:

Suggestions:

Once Upon A Summer's Day

She was drawing pictures of tourist by the river
Once upon a summer's day
I was guitar with mostly empty tip jar Grammar typo check?
Praying for any change they'd throw my way

She look over smiled said "I like your songs"
I said something stupid but not too wrong [I Like :D }

We were young and foolish and just a little crazy
Once upon a summer's day
I continued busking for a couple OF dollarS
Too maybe buy her coffee at a sidewalk cafe >TO buy her coffee at a sidewalk cafe

She said "I'm going to study art in France"
I said "I want to join a Rock and Roll Band"

It seemed we talked for ever in those few short hours
Once upon a summer's day
Then we took a walk over by the water tower
And in that tall grass we did lay [SEEMS FORCED FOR RHYME'S SAKE]

She said "You know I may never see you again"
I said "Yes but for right now can't we pretend" >make positive> Yes but for right now LET'S pretend

And to this day I value that time we spent together
Once upon a summer's day
So much I sold my guitar and a jumped a plane to Paris
....the prices seem a bit out of whack.....plane ticket for a guitar....but I was assuming an international flight from somewhere outside of Europe.....the singer can't come up with a dollar for coffee but has can afford a passport....visa.....plane ticket :?

Thanks for sharing :D

James

She was drawing pictures of tourist by the river
Once upon a summer's day
I was guitar with mostly empty tip jar Grammar typo check?
Praying for any change they'd throw my way

Thanks James, Typo That will teach me to write first thing in the morning.
The creative juices may be flowing but other brain function needs time to
wake up.
We were young and foolish and just a little crazy
Once upon a summer's day
I continued busking for a couple OF dollarS
Too maybe buy her coffee at a sidewalk cafe >TO buy her coffee at a sidewalk cafe

OK no more posting until fully alert.
It seemed we talked for ever in those few short hours
Once upon a summer's day
Then we took a walk over by the water tower
And in that tall grass we did lay [SEEMS FORCED FOR RHYME'S SAKE]

You're probably right there.
She said "You know I may never see you again"
I said "Yes but for right now can't we pretend" >make positive> Yes but for right now LET'S pretend

I like the suggestion I may have to work it a little to fit the music.
So much I sold my guitar and a jumped a plane to Paris
....the prices seem a bit out of whack.....plane ticket for a guitar....but I was assuming an international flight from somewhere outside of Europe.....the singer can't come up with a dollar for coffee but has can afford a passport....visa.....plane ticket :?

It was a really nice prewar Martin D45 and a really cheap flight. :lol:
OK but this is a fantasy maybe we can suspend disbelief for a moment
or maybe something like:

I hocked all my possessions.

As always a Very Insightful critique James

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

It was a really nice prewar Martin D45 and a really cheap flight. :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
maybe something like:
I hocked all my possessions.

Well, if I had to choose between the two, I'd rather "suspend disbelief for a moment" and go with your guitar line...or maybe something about saving up for the ticket, but your line has a nice energy of acting on emotion/gut instinct with no regret.....
As always a Very Insightful critique James
Glad to be of service :wink:

It is a good read (with the typos corrected). Looking forward to hearing it.

Hi John

Liked the story and the flow of the lines. The last verse could still use a little tweaking. The first line seems really passive, so I tried to make it more immediate. And I gave you some extra possessions to sell! :wink:

For a year I relived every moment spent together
Once upon a summer's day
Sold my gear and my car and jumped a plane to Paris
And now we walk together on the Champs-Elysées

Looking forward to hearing this one. Very cool.

Peace

Hi John,

I think the new edits will tidy up a few of the points that came to my mind. Well done

Paul

A really good simple story with nice clear imagery.

The only feedback I can think of at the moment is that the line "I value that time we spent together" sounds quite unnatural. I know value was one of your random words, so that's probably why the line sounds forced. If you absolutely have to use value in that place... perhaps something like "I couldn't put a value on how lucky I felt". Well, maybe that's no better.

Didn't even notice that "value" was one of the random words! Brain is fried...

I was playing guitar for an empty tip jar
And whatever of value they'd throw my way

Just off the top of this non-functional head. :wink:

Peace

Thanks Everybody,

Let's run this edit up the flag pole

Once Upon A Summer's Day

She was drawing pictures of tourist by the river
Once upon a summer's day
I was playing guitar for an empty tip jar
Praying for something of value to come my way

She look over smiled said "I like your songs"
I said something stupid but not too wrong

We were young and foolish and just a little crazy
Once upon a summer's day
I continued busking for a few more dollars
To maybe buy her coffee at a sidewalk cafe

She said "I'm going to study art in France"
I said "I want to join a Rock and Roll Band"

It seemed we talked for ever in those few short hours
Once upon a summer's day
Then we walked on over by the water tower
And as we lay in the grass I heard her say

"You know we may never see each other again"
I said "Yes but for right now let us pretend"

More than a year I spent reliving every moment of
Once upon a summer's day
Sold my gear and car jumped a plane to Paris
And now we walk together down the Champs-Elysées

She was drawing pictures of tourist by the river
Once upon a summer's day
Once upon a summer's day
Once upon a summer's day
Once upon a summer's day...

Thanks Again

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

I like :D

Thanks Peter,

This was a pretty tough assignment having to use random words.

Anyways I added an MP3

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9925060