Hey! This is my first post, I'm not sure where to present myself but yeah, here I am! And hello to everyone =)
I tried out the assignment of week 3. I haven't recorded any mp3 just yet since this is only a first draft, although the lyrics work pretty well on their own in the meantime. Enjoy! And feel free to write any ideas regarding my song.
Hehe, and I hope I understood the assignment correctly, It ain't always easy to be a newbie on a forum^^
Walls of Jericho
He always did what they suggested
although he saw too many lofty values manifested,
there were piles of horrors to face
and every minute of stillness a tacit disgrace
he could tell what they implied
but for all he knew they coulda lied
There were no communists in the livin room
and no one but his wife in the bedroom
The news and the headlines were cryptic
and what the pundits said was apocalyptic
He could tell what they implied
but for all he knew they coulda lied
When the government disclosed what they spent
he was shocked to see where the money went
packed up his things said he resigned
that he had better things on his mind
He could tell what they implied
but for all he knew they coulda lied
It takes a clownish actor to endure,
and a tiny crack where sunshine explodes
for the real world to allure
he threw the rag aside, straightened up, plays are fiction
The translucent phantom knew his lines
too well for this addiction
He could tell what they implied
and knew from start
that no one could abide
Now they were last seen on some turf
the former serf a freedman in the sun
capacities realized and captured
a man and a woman lovingly enraptured
Since he knew what they implied
he'd be a lunatic to take their side
Who knows, they might join some crazy circus,
travel the world with a trumpet
then the Walls of Jericho will shatter
and left are all those things that really matter
he could tell what they implied
and now he knows for certain
that they lied.
I'm not sure where to present myself
At the top of the page there is a thread entitled Who & Why
You can tell us about yourself there.
Theres a lot in this song
Difficult to critique
Ill just point out a couple of lines that confused me or that I feel need tweaking . . .
It takes a clownish actor to endure
...
he threw the rag aside, straightened up, plays are fiction
...
the former surf a freedman in the sun
...
a ravaged man and a woman lovingly raptured
Clownish seems out of place to me - (perhaps soulless or hardened?)
Surf, I think this should be Serf
Ravaged etc - I couldnt get my head round this line . Also I think rapture is a noun so raptured is probably not grammatical(did you mean ravished?)
You did well with the rhyming scheme but I think gave up at some point.
Apart from those comments its a powerful piece & makes you think. Good job
Hope that helps
Ola
Ola
“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh
Thank you:)
yeah that verse is a lil bit confusing I agree. Haha and I do mean serf.
I know that rapture is a transitive verb, meaning to enrapture, but it's not the best choice stylewise,yet I think it suited the song somehow:S I want to give the listener a sense of their being caught up in the ecstasy of love in spite of their
leaving the 'system' that they were ravaged by to such a great extent.
Yeah, clownish isnt right, but I'm not sure what word 2 put in its place. I need a word that means both to be aloof
and a lil awkward. As in being part of an insincere play that is too hard to grasp for a single individual who does not endeavour to see what it really is. I was thinkin of Shakespeare there when he said that "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players". If you see your own potential then you only have to glimpse part of the "real world" to make you take the step out of the manuscript and find ur authenticity.
That's what I mean, in case anyone's interested. :lol:
And thanks for the help=) :D
You`re welcome.
I cant think of a decent word instead of clownish.
Blinkered is the best I can come up with.
Anyway nice work
cheers
Ola
“Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is go where they can find you.” - Winnie the Pooh
