Perhaps a little cliched this time round, tried to put a little spin on it though, and I do like the chorus... :roll:
When I met her it was raining
Just another dreary afternoon
She was sitting on my doorstep
(And I thought) How could my luck change so soon?
I should have known then it was doomed
Another cloud loomed overhead
She said "Hello, how are you?"
And I just stood there and stared
Time is just a window on your shoulder
An unseen burden of what has been
And when you turn to see what's over
It seems your life was just a dream
It started out in august
And it was over by the following may
When she left me she was honest
She said "I couldn't stand another day"
No discussion about friendship
Just a kiss on the cheek goodbye
What now seems so funny...
I was the only one to cry
Time is just a window on your shoulder
An unseen burden of what has been
Don't blink or it'll be over
It seems your life was just a dream
Time is just a window on your shoulder
An unseen burden of what has been
And when you turn to see what's over
It seems your life was just a dream
Hey Jay
You're the first out of the chute this week . . .
I can hear a melody as I read this. But I have trouble with her slipping and crashing by your room.
I'm not sure what's going on there.
Suggestion for the chorus:
Time is just a window on your shoulder
An unseen burden of what has been
And when you turn to see what's over
It seems your life was just a dream
But that sounds more like a description of memories . . . than time.
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Hi Jay
Maybe it's a bit clichéd but with the right music it wouldn't matter. I'm thinking 'Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head' style of melody....
Ok, don't laugh - I've actually sung your song to myself using that type of melody and it works..... :roll:
The only think that doesn't fit in is the two times you've used crap (crappy and crap) - Maybe in another melodic pattern it might work, but not la-la-la-la.... maybe 'dreary' ?
She slipped right to my doorstep
(And landed) with a crash beside my room
Hmmm, not sure about this, first line seems odd and - why beside, why not in?
The second 'crap' could be 'mention' or 'discussion'
Nice, I like it. Nice an upbeat, in a downbeat sort of way... :?
Rock on!
D 8)
I'm nowhere near Chicago. I've got six string, 8 fingers, two thumbs, it's dark 'cos I'm wearing sunglasses - Hit it!
Interesting is this autobiographical? I like it. Seems very pessimistic. Not that that is a problem though.
"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc
"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell
:) Thanks for the comments,
Nah, not autobiographical, I've been in similar situations but this was more of a creative piece.
I'm going to have to rethink that slipping line, seems unpopular :lol:
Perhaps:
She was sitting on my doorstep
(And I thought) How could my luck change so soon?
I did laugh Dylan, raindrops keep falling on my head? How strange, I can see how it would work though, it is definitely that upbeat/downbeat mix. Nice replacement's of the 'crap' in both lines, I'll change those, didn't like them much myself
Nice addition to the chorus KR2, it is about memory, then again you can't have memory without time ;)
Any chance of a couple of you recording these melodies you hear? My version is a bit boring :P
Nice addition to the chorus KR2, it is about memory, then again you can't have memory without time ;)
Any chance of a couple of you recording these melodies you hear? My version is a bit boring :P
Here's something that I've been listening to lately . . . that seems to fit your lyrics . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XucegAHZojc
chords are A E Bm . . . a pretty melody
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Hi Jay,
Yep the rewrite is much better,
I think that last line could still be improved though, maybe something like
When I met her it was raining
Just another dreary afternoon
She was sitting on my doorstep
As I stepped out of my room
Cheers
Paul
Hi Jay,
The rewrites are looking good :D
I do like the chorus... :roll:
"Time is just a window on your shoulder"
I have never heard this expression and don't know what it means, but I don't see any other comments on it....so what am I missing? :?
James
Hey Ken-
Here's something that I've been listening to lately .
If you like Mazzy Star, you might check out Fiona Apple if you haven't heard her yet.
http://www.youtube.com/user/fionaapple?blend=1&ob=4 I am not sure if the link works....it doesn't in Thailand.
Not a real expression, at least I don't think so, just made it up :P
Although I am sort of using the expression "window to the past", i.e. when you look over your shoulder, through this "window" you see the past... as the chorus indicates, hope that's not too confusing :lol:
That's why I said that verse is more about memory . . . . but the logic is there . . .
if time is a window on your shoulder . . . .
then when you look over your shoulder . . . you are looking back through time (whoosh . . . 2 points)
Oh darn . . . Jay just said that.
JT,
FionaApple link works but . . . it's not doing much for me . . . sorry . . . but thanks for the thought.
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
hope that's not too confusing :lol:
To me, it is a bit too confusing, but others might like a new mixed metaphor. :roll:
JT,
FionaApple link works but . . . it's not doing much for me . . . sorry . . . but thanks for the thought.
No worries....it's the thought that counts. :wink:
I like my metaphors stirred . . . not shaken . . . or is it the other way around? . . . .
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
