Heh, this was a fun one. I got "rumour", "morning", "forest", "poet". Managed to fit all of them in, the forests stole the show mostly :lol: Fairly story/image driven, probably would make a good ballad.
Rumour spreading around the world
Says there was a boy that met a girl
And sparks that flew and caught alight
Made forest fires every night
They rode the mountains
Took the shores
Till morning woke and stole their jaws
See nothing ever burnt as bright
Except those forest fires every night
Yet time went on
The wick got waxed
And tunnel vision dreams got axed
A river grew between their hearts
And now they drift
Like wooden logs
A bird goes flying
Through the trees
That once were lit
And now grow green
And lovers once a forest's fire
Go fishing in a lonely stream
Yet all's not lost
Or so it seems
For hearts still ache and poets dream
Of boys and girls who meet again
And forest fires deep within
And forest fires deep within
And forest fires deep within
Jay
Hi Jay,
Good start :D I like the metaphor of love as a forest fire....you do a good job at staying on the subject throughout the relationship.
Till morning woke and stole their jaws
Is this a slang expression? I am not sure what it means or how it fits.
Thanks for sharing.
James
Hi Jay,
I must agree with James
Till morning woke and stole their jaws
Seems odd and out of place.
Seems you owe a small nod to Don Mclean
Yet all's not lost
Or so it seems
For hearts still ache and poets dream
From American Pie
"And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed"
Not plagiarism but I would have to say a definite influence
in meter and rhyme scheme.
:note1: :note1: :note1:
John
Add me in with the "what's with the jaws?" group. How about:
They rode the mountains
Took the shores
Took the morning sun and more
See nothing ever burnt as bright
Except those forest fires every night
It will be interesting to hear how this works when set to music. Some of the lines may need a little trimming, but I expect it's going to be very cool.
Looking forward to more.
Peace
Was debating over that line, good alteration though. What I meant was their jaws dropped when they saw the sunrise, but it's not clear enough so I'll change it. :)
Good spotting of the influence, didn't realise that :shock:
Jay
This reads super nicely and the fire metaphor makes it very poetic. Jay, this is the kind of song that inspires me to write!
Lying in bed this morning I had some of the words stuck in my head. I was thinking the lines which could be improved are the opening 2 lines. They boy and girl are nondescript, so you could do something like this:
A rumour is spreading around the world
That a matchstick boy met a tinder girl
Images we can associate with the characters will bring them to life more.
I agree about some slight confusion over the 'jaws' part, but I also think verses 3,4 and 5 are pretty much perfection on a plate.
I like it a lot.
Here's my suggestion for two of the verses.
They rode the mountains
And tossed in leaves
Till morning woke and they were spent
See nothing ever glowed as burning bright
Except those forest fires every night
Yet time went on
The wick got waxed
And callow dreams were harshly axed
The fire dimmed and passion waned
And love was dampened (And love's spark dimmed)
With time's quenching rain (Each time it rained)
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Thanks for all the positivity guys :D
Must try set music to this at some point.
Jay
