Do they put something strange in the water over there?
These are headlines from British papers, a British friend posted them on another board I vist
genuine newspaper quotes
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Only in the UK....
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
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Immature? Of course I'm immature Einstein, I'm 50 and in a Rock and ROll band.
New Band site http://www.myspace.com/guidedbymonkeys
Yes, we do put something in the water - hops, malt and barley is my preference....
In a similar vein, from a few years back, I remember one that went something like this....
A gang posing as workmen made off with 12 new toilets due for installation in a Police Station - a spokesman said the Police had nothing to go on....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Did the plumb the depths of their sources for a lead?
Immature? Of course I'm immature Einstein, I'm 50 and in a Rock and ROll band.
New Band site http://www.myspace.com/guidedbymonkeys
My Irish colleague is laughing very hard right now.
Well we all shine on--like the moon and the stars and the sun.
-- John Lennon
My Irish colleague is laughing very hard right now.
We Irish always get a good laugh at the expense of the Brits, it keeps them from getting to uppity :roll:
Immature? Of course I'm immature Einstein, I'm 50 and in a Rock and ROll band.
New Band site http://www.myspace.com/guidedbymonkeys
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."
Immature? Of course I'm immature Einstein, I'm 50 and in a Rock and ROll band.
New Band site http://www.myspace.com/guidedbymonkeys
LMAO....
I've seen that somewhere before, and there's a similar one about real insurance claims....
"Backing into the wrong driveway, I hit a tree that wasn't there..."
"Swerving to avoid a pedestrian who stepped into the road, I mounted the pavement and hit him anyway when he jumped back..."
That sort of thing....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
We Irish always get a good laugh at the expense of the Brits, it keeps them from getting to uppity :roll:
Us Brits get uppity :twisted: never, Thanks for the post teleplayer, I have seen most of them before but they still make me laugh.
The only thing that keeps me from realising my full potential is the depressing awareness that it wouldn't take much time or effort...
LMAO....
I've seen that somewhere before, and there's a similar one about real insurance claims....
"Backing into the wrong driveway, I hit a tree that wasn't there..."
"Swerving to avoid a pedestrian who stepped into the road, I mounted the pavement and hit him anyway when he jumped back..."
That sort of thing....
:D :D :D
Vic
That was one of the Jasper Carrot set that he used to read out on his shows. I believe he got them from Aus.
One of my favourites was "I hit the car because I was waving to the chap I hit last week, so I didnt see it coming"
Be excellent to each other & party on dudes!
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=686668
Yes , uk people are funny i guess.(weirdly funny probably to say :lol:)
It's the rain....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
No, I blame the government. Who could possibly take us seriously looking at that lot
A :-)
"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk
mmmmmmmmmm this be why the pigeons fly up side down over England ..........
that'll get a bite from Vic .........
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Well it certainly isn't to get the sun on their bellies.....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
And the funniest one ever .
"We won the Ashes".
I still haven't stopped laughing at that! :lol:
Matt
