Newsletter Vol. 1 # 12 – April 01, 2001

Dear Guitar Player,

Welcome to Guitar Noise News, the weekly update for Guitar Noise. Due to the recent worldwide outbreak of foot and mouth disease we were unable to bring you a new edition of the Udder Side this week, so this week we have featured a reprint from the farm.

You can check out all of this week’s new lessons and articles here.

New Lessons

The Udder Side – “How to Milk the Most From Your Guitar”
by Laura Lasley (01 Apr 2001)
We all get into a rut with our playing. Instead of mooving musical riffs, we find ourselves churning out mediocre melodies. But rather than cower in udder fear of being musically dull, you can butter your musical ability by trying these few simple steps to milk the most from your playing.

Guitar Column by David Hodge – “Grabbing Rock by the Roots”
by David Hodge (01 Apr 2001)
I hate to say this, folks, but I’ve been lying to you for the last year or so. To be a great guitarist, theory really and truly won’t help you all that much. Having the right guitar or practicing twenty-two hours a day will get you nowhere. So, what’s the secret? IT’S THE HAIR!!!!! That’s right – what’s on top of your head is what matters. Not the brain in it, not the dexterity of your digits, but lots of stringy curls that catch the spotlight and capture the hearts of women and the envy of men. Join me as we take a tour of Pierre’s Locks for Jocks and Rock Gods and see how easily one can change an image of stuffy scholarly folk guitarist into that of bodacious metal sex machine!

Bass Fishin’ with Dan Lasley – “Alternate Tuning for the Bass”
by Dan Lasley (01 Apr 2001)
Most people use the standard tuning of 4ths (E-A-D-G) for their bass. Over the past few years, the folks in Seattle have started tuning in 5ths (D-A-E-B) which gives them more range, and since they rarely worry about 3rds, it works well for them. In this column, we will explore this tuning in 5ths (commonly called “Jack Daniels Tuning), as well as some other alternates, such as the “Open Tuning Walk” (E-G#-B-E) for you fans of George Thoroughgood, and the “Mini-Me” – a tuning in minor 3rds (E-G-B-D) for those of you with small hands…”

The Guitar Box – “Giving Up”
Special to Guitar Noise (01 Apr 2001)
So you decided to give up on guitar! What will you do with the instrument you’ve purchased? Here are just a few of the ideas you will find in our article “Giving Up – It Shouldn’t Be A Total Waste”

Spare Kayak paddle
Cheese/vegetable slicer
Snowshoe (of course, it would help if you had two…)
Decorative planter
Make a clock out of it and sell it at an art fair

Email of the Week

This week the email of the week is an open letter to everyone by A-J. Given the importance of the opportunity awaiting you I decided to print A-J’s email in its entirety. Also I didn’t know where else to put it.

This week, a bit of an opportunity for our readers.

As you probably know, Céline Dion is from Montreal. As you might not know, I live in Montreal. As you certainly don’t know, I’m moving in with my girlfriend in July. Hence, my apartment is for rent.

So far, nothing strange there. What you absolutely, positively, could not even guess is that the superintendent in my building’s last name is Dion. Again, nothing strange. It’s a common enough name hereabouts.

He told me he was going to have his cousin visit the apartment as she was looking for a new place. The visit happened on one of the few occasions when I’m actually home. Now this lady looked familiar. He introduced her as “Claudette”. That’s when it hit me. This was one of Céline’s sisters: the other one who tried to be a singer. Thankfully, it was decided that one singing Dion was enough.

She was very pleasant, though. Better looking than her sister (that’s not too difficult) and, as I recall, she had a better voice (again, that’s not too difficult). Of course, she couldn’t help talking about her famous sister. I tried to tune her out, but the conversation suddenly became very interesting.

As you certainly know, Céline is on sabbatical. Unfortunately, that doesn’t keep radio stations from playing her songs. Upon her return, next year, she’s planning on something very different.

Maybe she’s trying to compete with Shania Twain (I don’t like country, but I’d take Shania over Céline any day). Whatever the reason, the style is going to be a cross between country music and flamenco. Sort of “Countlamenco” or “Flamestern”. Oh, and she’s going to be throwing in a measure of rap. Just for the hell of it. (At least she won’t be singing.).

Now Sony Music and Céline’s husband/manager, René Angelil, have thought this all out. Featured guest musicians will be Eric Clapton, Rod Stewart, Greg Lake and Phil Collins. Yet, they left out one important detail: the songs themselves.

Nobody has ever written a “Flamestern” song before, therefore they have no material. And Céline, it appears, was looking at getting fresh new talent in the songwriting department.

This is where you can help. René and Sony are looking into buying 100 songs from new, undiscovered talent. (I guess they finally realized how boring the others are.) If you would like to participate in this, you may send your inquiries to: [email protected]

Good luck!

There is one final thing before concluding this newsletter. I have finally sold our first bit of advertising space. Until now Guitar Noise has been the Internet’s single largest money losing dot com guitar site. Now that someone has paid to run an ad in this newsletter the way has been paved for our company to go IPO.

Advertisement
– Classical guitarists – GuitarsRUs.com has recently acquired the entire catalogue of Fender’s “Signature Strat” series. Now you can own your own Ludwig Von Beethoven Limited Edition Signature Stratocaster! An exact replica of the one old Ludwig himself used to compose “Moonlight Sonata,” “Fur Elise” and the ever popular “9th Symphony!” Each guitar is signed by this musical genius – letter of certification will accompany each purchase. Quantities are limited so order NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!! We also have one or two Wagner Signature Series Telecasters on hand, but unfortunately all the left-handed models have been sold.

Peace,

Paul Hackett
Executive Producer