Hello everybody,this is my first post on the board.I've seen people post here looking foradvice and everybodys been very helpful to them,and i've been looking for advice on if my songwriting is in need of some serious work or if im on the right track.Growing up,music has really defined who i am as a person.I don't play any instruments at the moment(although I am starting guitar lessons in a few weeks) but I know that music is nearer and dearer to my heart than anything.I go to my local music store everyday now just so i can be closer to that world.Lately i've watched videos of Eric Clapton and Eddie Van Halen mastering the instrument and have been completely blown away.
Anyway,ive only written a few songs but this is one of the ones i feel is better than the rest.I don't normally listen to emo(though I don't dismiss it either),but this song was influenced by an emo band.I would greatly appreciate any feedback be it positive or negative.Thank you:
"Death by Memory"
lyrics by Daniel Lyon
verse 1
A tattered photograph
depicts a face I thought I knew
(never knew,never had a clue)
How could you feel like heaven,
but banish me to hell?
(The fire burns...)
And this polaroid memory,
is still burning up my retinas
(Fade to black...)
Now we've come to the second act,
where the hero has a heart attack
chorus
Doctor!
What's the cause of my condition?
Do you have a transplant,
for the this part of me im missing?
Can you prescribe me something,anything,
to prevent this death by memory?
Help me now,I need to understand
how can you make me feel like half a man?
All the lies you told,
there was venom on those lips
Promises made but never kept,
choking up but i'll take another breath,
to ask you more questions
to fill in all the rest
(all the rest...)
chorus 2X
not a big emo fan here, but i like the song. When i hear it in my head (no offense here) I think it sounds more like a Bon Jovi Style song
No matter where you go.... There You are! Law of Location
Really interesting feedback...
I never looked at it that way but now i could totally see jon singing words like this.
Thanks alot for the reply.
Seemed like a panic at the disco song. I can't really give a opinion cuase im biased. I hate emo music. the actual verses wern't bad just the chorus kinda killed it for me. but in the end theres only one opinion that matters and thats your own. good luck becoming a musician, We share a common dream my friend.
I wasn't too keen on the chorus either BUT, as I've said on other threads, I'm well aware that written lyrics aren't always an accurate reflection of how well they work when set to music.
generally I reckon you've got some really kewl lines in here, so keep writin' and keep postin' 8)
oh, and I really mean 'write as much as you can as often as you can' - there's a good chance you'll end up writing some utter crap every now and then, which you grumpily chuck in the bin a few days later when you reread it (does it sound like I've done this? lol), but it'll help make the writing process more natural so you'll be totally on-fire whenever you've got some inspiration.
and when you start those guitar lessons, be sure to check the lessons on this site too, if/when you can find the time - there's some great stuff to learn from.
and welcome to GN!
Not the bset stuff I ever read but its a place to start!
The chorus is'int that good
