Hey guys,
Just wanted to post some lyrics and get some feedback from you. This song comes from a strange situation I found myself in recently. I had found myself recently ending a relationship, soon after it happened I felt as if i was missing something, it wasn't the relationship I had lost, but a relationship in general. So, from time to time I found myself glancing at women on the train to and from work (I know sounds creepy) and wondering if I should talk to them. I quickly decided that it was not the right place for me to meet a woman and tried to rid myself of this habit. The feeling kept nagging at me, the person I spend the rest of my life with might be sitting next to me but I wouldn't know it because I considered the "setting" wrong. I have yet to meet a woman on the train but I did get this song out of it.
Love on a Train
You sat close to me
As cute as you could be
Northbound on a red line train
Maybe destiny
Or curiosity but
I needed to know your name
Chorus
And that's the thing about
Love on a train
As soon as it starts it fades
But it's better than nothing so
Don't try to wait
For love with respectable names
You were two seats down
Staring at the ground
With a hint of a beautiful smile
As we began to talk
The car began to rock
As we tumbled for another mile
Chorus
The Train came to a stop
You had to get off
And I sat alone again
But when I get home
I'll pick up my phone
And dial the numbers on my hand
Chorus
There it is! I hope you guys enjoy it, and obviously feedback is appreciated (Thats the point of this site).
The chorus seems to be the moral of the story.
So it makes sense to end with the chorus (as you did)
CHORUS
And that's the thing about
Love on a train
As soon as it starts it fades or (It ends with the ride)
But it's better than nothing so
Don't try to wait
For love with respectable names
"Don't try to wait"? Are you sure that's what you mean?
"Don't feel you have to wait", "Don't hesitate", "Try not to wait" maybe?
Otherwise, cool lyrics. I like stories.
KR2
It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.
Hey Chris! :D
Good to see ya.
Cool lyrics 8)
A great subject - One of my favorite Mink DeVille songs is called 'A Train Lady'.
Similar subject.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrjR59mWjak
Years ago, when I lived South of Chicago, I used to take the Metra Train to Lasalle St. Station when I worked at the Board of Trade.
I'm actually a pretty shy person.... at times, painfully so.
When I first started taking the train, I didn't feel comfortable riding in the cars.... too many people for my comfort.
So, I would ride the whole way standing in-between cars, and looking out the doors at all the sceenery going by.
One day, about my second week riding the train, a very pretty girl ended up staying between cars with me.
We were alone on this wonderful, sunny Autumn day in October, and didn't take long before we struck up a good conversation with each other.
We had about 20 minutes together before her stop, so at every stop before that, we had to get very close with each other to let the passengers by at their stops.
To this day, I can remember how tall she was, the scent of her hair, the texture of her woolly/tweedy coat....
The sunlight splashing thru the window, flickering like a movie projector through the trees....
The warmth of the direct sun on a cool day, feeling like a campfire at night - Hot on one side/cold on the other.
It was all very romantic.
And we were obviously attracted to one another.
And had a good mental connection as well, as I really enjoyed our conversation.
It turns out that it was her last day of working downtown, and would no longer be riding the train.
And stupidly, I never asked for her number.
I regreted that mistake as soon as she turned to walk out the door.
I missed her immediately.
I remember the pain of extreme sadness that filled me as I watched her walk out of my life.
It was one of those rare connections not all that common to such a brief encounter.
Anyway,
Cool lyrics.
As I read them I had a sort of modern pop-ish sort of Bouncy/Happy vibe going on.... Hmmmm.
Don't know how this will read.... Again, I know the melody that's in my head :wink:
You sat close to me
as cute-as-you could be
Northbound,
on a red
line
train
It may be - Destiny
It may be Curiosity
They drove me to know your name
(Chorus)
And that's the thing about it:
Love on a train;
As soon as it starts
It all.... fades away
Aaaa well it's
Better than nothing
So don't make me wait
For love
with
respectable names
One of my pet peeves in writing is the word 'But'.
If at all possible, I try to avoid it.
It gets way overused.... and in thinking up ways to replace it, usually a surprisingly good combination will come of it.
So I tried to replace the 'Buts'.
Also, I agree with KR2 about the 'Don't try to wait' line.
I changed it to 'Don't make me wait', as if appealing to the aforementioned 'Fates'.
Great Stuff!
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
