so ive neever posted asny of my stuff before but id liek to knwo what you think ne feedback would be aprreciated. its not done yet afetr my like initial burst of creativity i jsut seem to stop fr some reason but this is what i got so far.
NO title yet
Ever since that thursday
walking down the hall
messing with your mind
like i might not do it at all
i covered how i felt up
becuz i was to shy
to show you the real me
to tell you how i felt inside
but your infectious laughter
caught me so off guard
so i decided to take a risk
and open up my heart
so take this precious gift
that i choose to give to you
im letting you inside my barriers
where there is so few
chorus
and i look into your eyes
and i see a brighter day
they bring out a better side of me
that i dont want to go away
and theres somehtign about the way you move
somethign about the way you walk
that makes me melt inside and think
man shes beautiful
and thats all ive got, thats where everythign stopped and i went to bed. well that took some guts lol. please give me some feedback.thanx
chec out my music
http://www.myspace.com/spencerbeasleymusic
pm if u like it or send me a message on myspace
Ok pretty good poem. 2 things I think I would change but if don't like it it's fine everybody has a diffrent opinion.
but your infectious laughter
caught me so off guard
i decided to take a risk
and open up my heart
not much of a diffrence just seems to sound better not repeating (so) so quickly afterwards.
and then
so take this precious gift
that i choose to give to you
im letting you through my barriers
where inside, (maybe put - Found) is so few
just some ideas i like it though. if i took the poems meaning correctly i used to feel like that alot.
