First Writing

Okay, so I'm going to post this, and hopefully something someone says will help me make this better. Or at least help me get back into the right direction. It's the first thing that I've written, and it's not all mine, a friend of mine helped me out with initial lyrics and I changed alot...well...most of them because I thought the lyrics were too poetic for music, at least for me anyway, but wanted to keep the theme. This is a work in progress, so I'm down to about halfway through the chorus. It's nothing profound and has pretty much been done before, kind of cheesy really.

Hi Joe,

Firstly congratulations on posting your first song. It takes a good deal of courage to expose your your own writing, playing and singing to the public gaze at the start. I'm impressed. I chickened out for far longer than you have. :)

Secondly, I didn't think that your voice was terrible, it's just untrained. You had some good voice qualities in there and some good notes, they just weren't all in the right places. :wink: You miss the pitch quite a bit, but that's can be fixed with practice and help. Both your playing and your timing seemed to be coming along just fine (but I'm not really the one to comment on that, as I'm not exactly Willie Nelson or Eric Clapton yet...).

The words are, as you say, a work in progress. So I hope that I can add something useful.

Choosing between a more "poetic" style and well used phrases is a tough call, and there's no ultimate answer. What hits the mark for one audience will miss for another. People who are into fancy gourmet cuisine might turn their noses up at McDonalds, but a lot more people eat the burgers (and, hey, they can be a bit cheesy too...). The best thing is probably a mixture of doing what comes the most naturally to you, and then tweaking it up a bit with an eye on what might get a response from whoever you'd most like to be able to appreciate it. My guess is that you've gone a bit too far away from your original drafts and that putting some of the poetry back would be a good move. Having your own buddy/co-writer to work through it with is a great asset, so you should have a lot of fun doing this and more.

As you say, it's been done. You could almost have taken a line each from a few other songs and put them together to make a new one. I think that this is probably pretty close to what first time writers usually do, but sub-consciously rather than deliberately. So the aim is to take each image and make it your own, yet leave enough that's easily recognisable to a listener. In songs you can actually get away with using well worn stuff a lot more easily than you can with prose or poetry.

For instance, the lines that you referred to as a kind of bridge contain two very well known phrases "time heals your wounds" and "forgive and forget", but by saying "They say that..." you've clearly flagged that you're quoting something familiar. Good strategy - you can quote a cliche (and cliches only earn that label because a lot of people thought they worked) and get the easy hook in, yet the listener will probably accept it.

I've got to disappear right now, but is there any chance that you could post your original ideas here as well? Maybe some of us can suggest some middle ground?

Cheers,

Chris

Thanks Chris, I appreciate it! Per your request here are the original lyrics that were written. The ones I recorded are very far from what was originally there.
*********
Woke up this morning
The sun was shining bright
Brighter and more beautiful than always

Checked out of the hotel
And got into my car
I had a smile on my face
Home didn't seem so far
Cause I was making my way back to you

(chorus)
Driving on the highway past the Rocky Mountains
As the wind blows,
I hear your voice whisper
When are you coming home
I say I will be there soon
Don't you worry baby, I will be there by the afternoon

Just remembering the day I met you ======== This section I will for the most part not change, just switch
I seen a sight of heaven that day, it up a bit
Didn't know your name
Angel was all I could say

(chorus repeat)

(bridge)
When I hear birds singing, I think of you
When I see the rain, I think of you
When I see the ocean, I think of you
When I see life's beauty, I think of you

(chorus again)

Baby come look outside,
Cause I've made it home.....
***********
Again, I've changed quite a bit, and am not done. For whatever reason, I just couldn't get down the "person coming home from a business trip" idea to music, so turned it into something that alot of people can relate to, in terms of the grass isn't always greener, and we do things in the heat of battle that we regret later, just look to the good times in the past. Thanks for input. Yeah, you are right, it's kind of hard/embarrasing since I'm in no way near the level of most of the people posting this stuff.
People who are into fancy gourmet cuisine might turn their noses up at McDonalds, but a lot more people eat the burgers (and, hey, they can be a bit cheesy too...)

:lol: :lol: :lol: very funny!

Hi again Joe,

Thanks for posting the other draft. In many ways I like it better than the pruned down version. It's also given us a clearer overview of what the song is about - a journey back from a business trip to a partner. Good theme with lots of possibilities.

Tempting as it is to leap in and try and write your song for you - which would probably mean just swapping it out for my own preferred set of well worn phrases :roll: - I'm hoping that I can suggest ways for you to work it through yourself. I once wrote a song on a similar theme, only from the other end. The singer was the one at home, narrating the partner's journey home (in that case, from a day working in the city, back out to the home in the country). So perhaps the way it went for me might provide some clues, without my directly mucking around with your song?

Firstly, I always start with a few random ideas and phrases and toss them around in a vague sort of way. After a few false starts and changes of mind I begin to get a feeling for what the theme is. At that stage I can do a bit of plotting, story-boarding, or whatever you'd like to call it. The overall idea was similar to yours - the feelings of separation and journey and the desire to be together again. Once I've got that in my head I let all the rest of the bats out of the attic - jot down anything at all that might tie into the theme. That might include personal feelings, remembered bits of other songs, obvious angles and phrases etc and see how it might be weeded through and shaped up.

In that case I ended up going for five verses, each of which ended with a two line refrain/chorus that had a high a plaintive rising melody behind it.

The first verse had some flowery imagery about the “river of light” as the evening traffic flowed out of the city at the end of the day. After five lines of that, the two chorus lines were : “But it's bringing you back to me. It's bringing you back to me”. The second verse continued painting a picture of the one at home looking down on the city at sunset and waiting for the return. The repeated chorus line was “And dream you back to me”. The third verse moved the focus closer to home by describing the place they were returning to (images of countryside and home) ending “Calling you home to me” (twice).

The fourth verse described the noises of the car arriving, the sound of footsteps, the smell of the evening air drifting into the house as the door opened, etc. The repeated end line was “Saying you're back to me”. The last verse was a repeat of the first verse with only a few words changed to show that the journey was complete, and it ended “It's brought you home to me....”

The language was a mixture of popular words - “sun, moon, wine, food, dream, home “ all made an appearance - and more flowery or original phrases were mixed with easily recognisable ones like “the crunch of the gravel” and “the click of the latch”. The aim was to tell an easily identifiable story that moved forwards to a satisfying conclusion, using little splashes of colour that listeners could have an emotional response to.

So maybe you could continue to plot out some steps in your journey home, that are a mixture of what you're seeing and what you're feeling (just as you have done) but break it into verses that move the story forward in a particular way. Start with a quick summary or sketch of what you want to cover, and then try filling out how and where you'll say it.

So your list might include: Beautiful day. Away from home and you. Happy to be heading home. Remembering good and/or bad times. Separation has made me appreciate/love you all the more, etc..... Pick the important bits and mix them in with moving you along the line from the hotel to the door. You seem to have got all the elements there, it just needs putting in order and filling out. If you wanted to add a dash of tension you could spice it up by hinting at temptations that you pushed aside out of love and loyalty (or you could even crack, as in the song song 24 Hours from Tulsa, where the singer didn't quite complete the journey).

You could also try out some different ways of saying the same thing. For instance:

“Woke up this morning
The sun was shining bright
Brighter and more beautiful than always”

“Woke up this morning” is the exact phrase that's always put into send ups of blues songs, so it might be worth experimenting with ways of twisting that slightly or setting that opening scene a little differently. From the story point of view it's good to have set the mood quickly, but instead of saying it directly you could have the sunlight falling across your eyelids, warming your back, bouncing off the hood of your car, or any number of ways. If I get stuck I sometimes even act it out. I'll walk out on a sunny morning and think “How do I feel, what can I see? What's saying ‘sunshine' apart from the hot yellow thing up there?...” Bare skin, shirtsleeves, squinting eyes, etc. You can say that it's cold directly, or you can suggest it with an action “turned up my collar to the wind” or an image “ice in my beard” and so on. A lot of the fun in writing is finding interesting ways of getting the same thing across. :)

Sorry, to have been so long winded... Enjoy shaping it up, and let us know how you go.

Cheers,

You know, that's funny you said something about the "sun was shining bright" I was actually thinking of changing the lyrics to "and the sun had touched my eyes"

Thanks for all the info...I'll see what I can do with it, and maybe make it better.

I do like the original, but I couldn't find a way to place music into it, and didn't really "feel" the coming from the business trip sense. Maybe all this info will help me out a bit. when I'm re-writing I want to change the chorus each time to go from place to place, and from hearing you voice to seeing your face and being near and such, trying to work all that in.

Okay, so I've done quite a bit of writing over the past 24 hours, and want to see what needs to be changed re-tuned etc. I tried to be a bit more poetic in the wording, and I changed the chorus in each section so that each chorus is a continuation of the journey. I also wanted to try and keep the song upbeat after the first verses into the chorus to give the feel of "I'm happy to be going home" The last two parts from chorus to the end will have the same chorus progression, with it slowing down on the last line and then a bit of an exit or something to that effect.

Chris C, I tried my best to take all the advice you've given me and convert it into something that I can use and or understand even :lol: . We'll see how this turns out musically I guess, I want to experiment with drums, elec guitar, keyboard sounds etc, but I don't know how to play them :lol: we'll see what loops Garage Band has to use. Anyway, sorry for the long post here's the lyrics:

The light touched my face
The sun was shining bright
Made me think of days when I was home

I can't believe that I've arrived
Baby, please come look outside
I want you to know, that I've finally made it home.
I want you to know, that I've finally....made it......home.

Hi Joe,

Sorry to be a while. I've been off experiencing the sensation of being burned alive on a poetry forum. I can now empathise a little bit more with how Beautiful Disaster probably feels about our rather tame attempts to offer advice here. I hope she's not tempted to try that particular place. Fortunately I did also see quite a number of places where it looked as if she'd fit in very well, so I hope she finds one of them.

Anyway, back to you.

Great to see that you've done so much more work on your lyrics. It's starting to get some shape now, and you look as if you've taken good steps towards settling on some imagery and phrases that you like. I'm not sure that I'm the one to offer any more specific suggestions from here on, but maybe somebody else will chime in too.

Having your music, and your playing in general, up to the stage that it is will be a huge bonus to you in the task of trying to shape lyrics for a song rather than just pushing words around on a page. All the very best with this, and your future writing. You're on the road now, so keep the motor running...

I'm off to practice my own singing tonight. It's in a newly formed community choir, so we all get to drown each other's noises out as we experiment with singing badly, and missing half the pitches, while we slowly work towards getting better control. :) Pity you aren't closer, I'd drag you along.

Cheers,

Chris

I'm off to practice my own singing tonight. It's in a newly formed community choir, so we all get to drown each other's noises out as we experiment with singing badly, and missing half the pitches, while we slowly work towards getting better control. :) Pity you aren't closer, I'd drag you along.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Just make sure to put me in the back....waaaaaaay in the back, like off stage :D

Thanks again for your help, I'm trying now to work with the music a bit, I don't really like the transition to the minor chords, but can't really find anything else that fits the tone. We'll see what some tinkering will do. The co-writer likes the changes so far, we'll see what she says if there is any more changes. I will say that something you've said has given me another idea for a quirky fast paced country song that I'm pounding out lyrics to. Seems to be coming along very quickly, and I like where it's heading. I'll post when I have something done.

Okay, so here's more changes to try and add more imagery etc. It kind of came full circle with the business trip, to not being one, and now I'm back to using that. Not sure what happened, or why, but it works out better I think. The changes are in bold, comment criticisms, and floggings welcome!

The light touched my face
The sun was shining bright
Made me think of days when I was home

You know that life is hard
We don't know what to do
We have to be apart to meet the bills

I'm tired of rooms with views
I can't stand this urban zoo
I'll leave with the morning dew
Cause I'm making my way back to you

Driving down the highway
Past the Rocky Mountain tops
I hear your voice whisper in the wind
Oh your voice reminds me that I need to be home again

Now I'm looking back
On the day that I met you
I seen the sight of heaven on that day

I couldn't make a sound
I didn't even know your name
Angel is all that I could think

Now I'm driving down the highway
Past soft lit fields of green
I see your face gleaming in the sun
Oh you face reminds me that i need to be home again

How did we let this happen
I can't stand to be away
All I've been thinking, since I've been gone....is that I need to be

Driving down the highway
I can see the ocean shore
I can almost see you there just as before

I can't believe that I've arrived
Baby, please come look outside
I want you to know, that I've finally made it home
I want you to know, that I've finally...made it.....home

Hey Joe - that's coming along great! :D

Those extra lines added a heap of extra information and colour.
We have to be apart to meet the bills

Just a few words but it seemed to do an important job of setting the scene and providing an explanation of what was going on.
The next lines expressing that you were getting tired of paying the cost of being apart followed on nicely too.

It's starting to come together well now. You've set some emotional scenery and some physical scenery and the feeling of the journey and the movement from one physical and emotional place to another is all happening. I expect you're fiddling with tweaking the music/lyric/singing match-up too, so you've achieved a lot in a few days.

Well done mate, it's great to see somebody take up the challenge and make some progress. :note1: :note2: :note1:

Cheers,

Chris

Thanks!!

Looking back at the lyrics, I was typing from memory, the line:

I'll leave with the morning dew --- I'm gone with the morning dew.

Not that it really makes a bit of difference it what is being said, but I think it flows with the music better.

Well done mate, it's great to see somebody take up the challenge and make some progress.

I'll drink to that - it's great to see this song progressing from the germ of an idea, to some lines with possibilities, to almost a full-blown song - almost like watching the birth of a new baby!

So I'll refrain (with difficulty, I might add - I love chopping and changing lines to fit!) from making suggestions just yet as to lyrical changes - you seem to be doing alright on your own. You're picking out (with Chris's advice) the lines that just don't quite gel and replacing them one by one....you're learning by DOING. IMO, that's always a good thing....

So I'll watch this song with interest - I think you're about 75% of the way to a really good song here.

And by the time I get round to making suggestions for lyrical changes, hell, you'll have probably got the whole thing worked out - at least I hope so.

Good luck, Joe!

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks guys!

I have recorded it and posted it in the Hear Hear section. Right now Nuno, Ignar, and Gerry are helping me out with some bass and precussion and see where it goes from there.

I appreciate the comments and the help, it's gotten a good response as far as I can tell (which shocked me) and is really encouraging me to write more.

Thanks again!