meh maybe some ideas

War, government, religion, and sex. The big ones of course. The negative and positive effects from television. This is a good brain storming activity. :shock: You could go through what you wrote and expand on any line or verse.

Whoa!
I'm going along reading this . . . thinking "I know where this is going" . . .
and then you did a 180 on me. (a 180 degree turn . . . opposite direction)

Television did all that?
You might want to call this "Ode to the Devil" :mrgreen: or "Dear Devil"

It needs some kind of chours, a hook of sorts xD.

Hello my dear friend
every time I look back
I see you've taught me so much

How to act and how to dress
and who specifically should I impress
Who to love and who to hate
What to think and what to say

You've always been there for me
Where mommy and daddy failed
You have taught me well

How to lie and how to steal
how to cheat and how to deal
how to be, everything else but real

( I think this could be the chorus of sorts)
The times I spent with you
have all been enlightening and true ( how do i spell enlightening O_O )
Now its time to go out to the world
And do it like you taught me to

Make things good for myself
and not care about no1 else

Crap, I'll finish that later, I gtg xD

I don't know how it sounds yet but,
it might be more singable if you arrange the words to this line,

and who specifically should I impress

this way

and specifically who I should impress

BTW, if this is from one of the assignments, you should post it on the Sunday Songwriter's Group.
You're more likely to get more people to look at it.
Not a lot of people post on this board for some reason.

the problem is that its not finished, I think this is Week 34 assignment, but I haven't finished it, maybe I could just add two more lines to that final verse and then add that chorus in between some spots, but what do you think of the song more or less ?

Hello my dear friend
every time I look back
I see you've taught me so much

How to act and how to dress
and who I should impress ( maybe specifically is too big of a word, any word you think could replace it )
Who to love and who to hate
What to think and what to say

( chorus in here maybe ? )

You've always been there for me
Where mommy and daddy failed
You have taught me well

How to lie and how to steal
how to cheat and how to deal
how to be, everything else but real
( chorus again )
( I think this could be the chorus of sorts)

The times I spent with you
have all been enlightening and true ( how do i spell enlightening O_O )
Now its time to go out to the world
And do it like you taught me to

( and now a last verse and then chorus again)

You showed me the thoughts
of thinkers,insane
You showed me the rules
for this horrible game

Now I click my control
For a final time
And start again
To regain what is mine.

Ok maybe no chorus at the end, maybe a bridge/ outro, a solo a very dark solo, that I wish I could compose xD.

OK I Think I finished it, I just wanna get it through whoever reads it here so i then post it in the other place.

the problem is that its not finished,

since when is that a problem? heck, a good 50% of the stuff I've posted there was in an unfinished form! :wink:

I think this one lends itself to a variety of styles. for some reason I'm thinking a little emo right now, but that might just be the late hour.

emo ? lol c'mooon, I actually wasn't even aiming for emo xD, I actually wasn't aiming at all so ^_^.

Fast song ( up-beat ) or slower ?

Now that you mention emo I'm starting to think of maybe doing something in the ( how to cheat and how to deal, every part that is kinda like that ) some kinda chord that is kinda screechy that is not so great on the ears like tata, you know probably some 13th chords that I was playing with the other day that sounded kinda like that.

So its like ( tata = screechy sound I don't know how to explain ) how to *tata* cheat and how to * tata but another tone maybe higher* deal etc etc.

Get what I'm saying?
But idk lol the musical side of the lyrics I'll fill in later xD , I just wanna get done with the lyrics, though I prolly will have to change some wording for it to fit.

Heh heh, the tata notation makes sense to me, and I like that idea. Also think this song could be done by Pearl Jam, like their song Jeremy (it will be on youtube if you're not familiar, I think the vibe and delivery in that song would work well with these lyrics too).

For a line tweak, if "specifically" is too big, but you need something in it's place, how about
"who exactly I should impress"?

@ KR2 - I've wondered why this forum gets little feed, too. Suspects it's the style of posting, at least in the SSG we have some idea of the goals of the writer. And threads here do seem to get a fair few replies if the OP bothers to explain a bit about the song/why they wrote it. But still, C, don't worry about posting ideas in SSG if they're incomplete. I do that myself when I get stuck or am running out of time, and reading the feedback often helps me to finish the tune.

And I think this section of the GN forums induces unwanted emoness in me. Yes, that is a word. Honest. :roll:

Hey Coolnama :D

Love the original lyrics....
after you try to add on, they just don't seem to flow anymore.

In a way, your lyrics remind me of an old Monkees song, writen by Mickey Dolenz:
Randy Scouse Git (My apologies to our much beloved members from Liverpool :wink: )

"Why don't you cut your hair? Why don't you live up there? Why don't you do what I do, See what I feel when I care? Why don't you be like me? Why don't you stop and see? Why don't you hate who I hate, Kill who I kill to be free. "

That was just the chorus of sorts; The verses of the song are a sorta 'day in the life' of Mickey as Monkee on a visit to England, and include The Beatles and meeting his future wife, Samantha ~

She's a wonderful lady And she's mine all mine
And there doesn't seem a way That she won't come and lose my mind.
It's too easy humming songs To a girl in yellow dress
It's been a long time since the party And the room is in a mess.

The four kings of E.M.I. Are sitting stately on the floor
There are birds out on the sidewalk And a valet at the door.
He reminds me of a penguin With few and plastered hair,
There's talcum powder on the letter And the birthday boy is there.

Why don't you cut your hair?
Why don't you live up there?
Why don't you do what I do,
See what I feel when I care?

Now they've darkened all the windows
And the seats are naugh-a-hyde.
I've been waiting for an hour,
I can't find a place to hide.

The being known as Wonder Girl
Is speaking I believe.
It's not easy tryin' to tell her
That I shortly have to leave.

Why don't you be like me?
Why don't you stop and see?
Why don't you hate who I hate, Kill who I kill to be free.

[Progressive scat vocals]

Why don't you cut your hair?
Why don't you live up there?
Why don't you do what I do,
See what I feel when I care?
Why don't you be like me?
Why don't you stop and see?
Why don't you hate who I hate,
Kill who I kill to be free.

You might be askin' - What does the chorus have to do with the sometimes mundane, sometimes sensational life of a musician?

Well, it's the tension in the story.

Mickey (and the Monkees) were basically Leftist/idealists, and the chorus is the tension created by the absurdity of the other side of things and the intrusion upon his seeming idyllic life-style.

So, perhaps instead of trying to continue on with the way the lyrics are going (at the beginning), try and find the tension and run with a story from there, using what's alredy been writen as the counter-point....?

Hope that makes sense :wink:

Ken

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