I had a crack at writing a country song for a female vocalist from the standpoint of a deserted wife and mother on New Year's Eve .
The bit I need help with is the second line which repeats as a 'faux' chorus - reference to a party line. Residential phone lines in the early sixties were often shared and if you picked up at the wrong (or right :wink: time) you got a crossed call and heard someone else's conversation. It's not essential to the story but I was trying to get different meanings for party. No one would understand what a party line was these days (other than politically which is totally out of context) so it needs changing. All contributions gratefully received.
Party Time
at party time she's party to
a party line in party shoes
on the duvet, on the phone
the old year slipping away
and all the while the meter runs
the driver's chain-smoking, wond'ring
if he'll see his home before it's day
music comes up through the floor
bass and drums in twos and fours
friends and family celebrate the New Year
but all the while she's in her room
tryin' to get you on the phone
asking me again why you're not here
she packed and booked the car an hour ago
got it in her mind to find where you are
she's not a young kid any more
I can't stop her
but as I dried away her tears
I lied and told her that you care
you must be working hard somewhere
it's no answer
at party time she's party to
a party line in party shoes
on the duvet, on the phone
on the point of breaking down
oh what a web we weave for ourselves
once we start to deceive ourselves
when you said you had to go away
needed time to think, find some space
' never dreamed we would be erased from your mem'ry
'cos now you've been away so long
she figures that she must have done something wrong
she's trying hard to get you home
to say sorry
at party time she's party to
a party line in party shoes
oh, oh, oh
oh, oh,oh
Hi,
Good song, but I see what you mean. I know what the phone version of a party line was (being a steam era model myself... :roll: ) but I still didn't pick that meaning, especially as it comes right at the start of the song, before you have any context to help.
I don't have any red hot suggestions, but I rather like songs to give the listener a bit of a clue to the theme as soon as possible, or at least provide a good strong image to set a scene. When I write songs, or anything really, I already know what it's all about so I find that I can easily overlook how long it takes for the message to start coming across. If I show my wife, or a randomly selected victim, and they don't 'get it' in the first few lines I like to re-write a beginning with something stronger or clearer. Maybe that's just me though...
Perhaps you could hit us with more of a hint of the theme first up. Something like "At party time she's hardly there, distracted eyes and ruffled hair, on the duvet on the phone..." or maybe do something with partly or partial if you like the rhythm of the repeated sound?
Not quite it, but good hunting anyway. :)
Chris
Thanks Chris.
I'd like to keep the party shoes as I feel it clearly points at an adolescent girl.
I'm experimenting with making the listener work out the plot as the song progresses as a device. They'll know it for second hearing if it gets one :lol: I do the same in Rest In Peace which I entered for the competition - you don't fully click the characters are dead until the third verse, though the references in the first two are consistent.
Thanks again - more suggestions welcome
