I wrote this song after a recent plane trip. It is still an early draft, but it raises a question. The structure keeps coming out as kind of a spiral effect. In other words, in each verse using some of the same lines, just changing some elements of it (like I did in *Would Anybody Care*).
However, in addtion I use a chorus (the center of the spiral). I have been playing it as a D-A-E-A-D progression with a fast tempo and that works pretty well. (the last verse is still seriously under review)
My quesiton: is the repitition too much and I need to junk the thing and rethink?
The intent is capture the feeling of moving me from a disinterested 3 party observer, into the fray. Something I had really never really left...
Intro
We dropped through the clouds
through my little porthole
I take a look around
I look down and on the ground I see....
Cars in line, stopped at the light
Cars coming from the left, going to the right
Cars coming from the right, leaving outta sight
The light turns green, off they go
The light turns red, others gotta slow
Chorus
People on the move, going somewhere
People on the move, coming from there
its a big ole maze, no end in sight
lots of ways in, the same number out
I can't tell how you can win
I came by air, we touched down
just as others are leaving the ground
pull to the gate, stand up straight
get in a line, to work our way in
others milling about, trying to find their way out
[Chorus]
Stand in line, waiting for the tram
Coming from my left, going to my right
Coming from my right, moving outta sight
doors open wide, people shuffle on by
doors close up tight, I'm too tired to fight
[Chorus]
Get in my car, stopped at the light
Cars coming from my left, going to my right
Cars coming from my right, leaving outta sight
The light turns green, I step on the gas
The light turns red, I wave as I pass
[chorus]
Get to my street, hop out of the car
neighbor starts his up, off to the bar
open my door, thanking the stars
kick off my shoes, I'm so pleased
drink some wine, gobble some cheese
You know, I think it depends on the way you are singing and playing the song to really see if repetition is noticeable. When reading your lyrics in the chorus and trying to listen along with the chords you have listed so to speak, I keep getting to the last couple of lines in the chorus and want to change the chord structure to break it up a bit. Just my opinion.
Keep in mind though I"m not very experienced in writing songs, I've only written one :lol: so take whatever I've got to say with a grain of salt.
In Space, no one can hear me sing!
I keep getting to the last couple of lines in the chorus and want to change the chord structure to break it up a bit. Just my opinion.
I am interested to know how you would break it up. Usually, I just start playing a standard set of chord progressions, and then begin experimenting with new ones at points in the song (Why? Because I have to be able to play them and transition into them nicely and this makes me practice).
Not sure if this was clear, but the way I am currently playing this is:
(D) People on the (A) move, (E) going somewhere
(E) People on the (A) move, (D) coming from there
And so on...
It's hard to tell without actually knowing how you play it. If you could record how you play it I may be able to explain it a bit better, I'm not real good at picking out what chords I'm thinking of until I sit down with my guitar and mess around with it. Your version that you wrote will be vastly different than what I'm thinking.
I do think that changing the chords around like that does break it up a bit though in my opinion.
In Space, no one can hear me sing!
