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"Shame of it All" -please critique

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trotskyismyniece
(@trotskyismyniece)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 22
Topic starter  

I've been going to this site for awhile and I've posted on the message board, but never posted any songs so I think I'll give it a go. I always write tons of songs on guitar, but I don't write a lot of lyrics. I'm mostly self conscious about them, and the fact that I have this mental barrier of - I don't want my songs to fall into that depressed teenager, melodramatic my life sucks, everything is black kind of thing, but most of my songs sound fairly melancholy musically, and I have this feeling like really upbeat songs are too often really cliche and about love or are really trite and frivolous. I kind of want to find that medium you know? Anyways, here are the latest lyrics I've written, maybe itll make more sense if i explain the music - kind of melancholy, indie song with a upbeat kind of drumbeat In the vein of Death Cab for Cutie or Modest Mouse. The verse is subdued and the vocals are fairly soft and the chorus breaks out and is sung loudly. I hope that imagery helps. any suggestions are welcome on either the song, or my songwriting dilemma as a whole.

Shame of it All

Verse:
We invented time
just to pass us by
and count the days
until we die
but we forget
how much time we get
and let it
waste away....

Chorus
Each and every day
we just let
the time slip away
refusing to follow our hearts
regardless of the call
Millions of people,
taking it for granted till its gone
and thats the shame of it all

Verse:
As days fly by
I realize
how much time
has passed me by
every chance i get
I feel regret
for letting time waste away

Chorus

(Instrumental bridge)
Chorus


   
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Tom D
(@tom-d)
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Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 21
 

i think it be a little easier to constructively criticize if we had some chords or tab to go along with it.


   
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jus_another_sin
(@jus_another_sin)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 15
 

well i think the chorus goes well, but when i finished the song it felt like it has got over prematurely. i kinda ends abruptly, the second verse.

there's a lot of difference between an open mind and a hole in the head !


   
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jus_another_sin
(@jus_another_sin)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 15
 

well i think the chorus goes well, but when i finished the song it felt like it has got over prematurely. it kinda ends abruptly, the second verse.

there's a lot of difference between an open mind and a hole in the head !


   
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