hey this is my second song ever written fully i spent a bit more time on this. Hopefully ive improved my songwriting from the folk song if you can call it that lol :lol: . Chorus needs major help can anyone suggest anything but with sometimes in. Thanks :)
so any help would be grateful also critisisms are welcome too any thing to improve my writing.
sometimes
verse
how can i trust someone,who can't keep their hands off my man
i see it all the time and they just can't seem to understand
i wanna believe what they say
when they say that its just a game
but it's not a game i find fun and it's not a game that i want to play
chorus
sometimes i
wanna tell her how i feel inside
sometimes I
wanna tell her that she makes me cry
verse
its contagious this feeling of jealousy that surrounds me
everyone knows and can see when she's anywhere near me
i just wanna scream and shout until everyone hears my cries
but it's probably me on the inside crying to feel alive
chorus
I know i shouln't keep going on because i am still his miss
but it's eating and chipping away
until this mold i feel i can't break this
i'm so worked up yet so worked down all at the same time
take me away god and give me the strength that i need to find my mind
oh
chorus( fade out ad lib)
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you too, can become great.
--Mark Twain
cool verses but you are right, the chorus does need a bit of something, i think it doesnt quite capture the mood of the song, to me the verses were actually quite angry and the chorus just doesnt fit with it..but that can be worked on!
The verses worked for me as far as content, but I had a little trouble with the structure/rhythm. The first and third have 5 lines, the second has 4. Also, the line lengths don't seem to match up. Of course, it is very hard to judge the flow of a song without hearing it, but I would just recommend reading it (or singing it) aloud to make sure it works.
