terrible song i wrote, please help me make better

Hmm, I think you need some more imagery in the chorus. Not sure what but something to add more feeling to it. It seems you have two different songs going too, the verses don't match the chorus.

Not sure whether to reply here or in SSG but I guess it doesnt matter either way.

I agree with OWA. The more imagery the better. In a song you are trying to convey that feeling, smell, sight, etc that you (the subject) are experiencing in the song.

Like OWA said, it almost seems as though its two different songs. But I think what you are trying to do is urge yourself on. Like saying "Well, everything sucks pretty bad, but as long as I have my guitar it will be ok" and that is ok but it can get lost in the translation. So you might stick with one or the other.

There are many ways to write lyrics and I should be the last one to critique someone else, but you have several different schemes going here. First verse is 5 lines, then what looks like a chorus of 5 lines, then another verse that is 4 lines, and finally a repeat of the chorus that is 5 lines. More importantly the amount of syllables seems to vary.

Now, none of that means anything really because I have learnt my lesson on assuming that it just cant work because it wasnt in a preconcieved pattern, but from my experience it does help somewhat if it is laid out that way. It atleast makes it easier for people trying to help to understand.

Finally, I would suggest that you dont start out with "Well this sucks, but I am going to share it anyways" because it sets it up for failure. If you can hear it musically in your head, it conveys the message you want to send, and you can express that feeling to everyone else then IT DOESNT SUCK. That is what you are shooting for. Everything else I wrote above is just nit picking.

Best
Geoo

I replied in SSG 1 foot

i know it sucks, but please give sugestions.

I don't think it sucks at all, I really like it the way it is, I don't see anything contradicting at all, the two ideas fit together very well, very interesting contrast or theme, like 'You wanna talk but I am in my own world'. The only thing that stood out as a negative to me at first was the use of the word 'lazy'. That is just my own impression. Maybe it fits in the song just right, but is that what you really mean? Lazy is a lazy word and doesn't really mean much in my view, but it most often has a negative connotation which is pointing right at the hero or first person in the song. Well whatever, there may be another way to phrase it or that may be exactly right, I don't know, it's your song. I assume you meant something like; that you are in your own world or far gone or something. Maybe lazy describes that too.

Simplicity is often beautiful and "yeah everythings all right" you don't have to over write a song. Generally the more complicated it gets the fewer number of people can relate to it- the simpler it is the more (numbers of) people can relate to it. I think that often the most successful songs are the simplest ones. I don't necessarily like that but that's the way it seems to be. I think your song captures a very interesting situation and mood that I think lots of people can relate to, each their own way, like:

>> i dont know what to say
to you
but thats nothin new <<

and

>>maybe tomorrow il talk to you
but not today <<

To me that is very very good!! I think that will catch anyones interest, people can easily place themselves in that situation weather they are in it or not.

The rest of it is self explanatory, and I think you have a really good song. :-)

I hope you don't make it complicated by over writing, but another verse or two would be nice.

I could take off with my own imagination on it and give suggestions but I'm not going to do that. It's your song.

Get some good music for it and who knows where it will go? I'd play it.

I am new to songwriting myself (officially speaking) but actually I started in about 1965 writing introspective free form poetry, and some songs of course, made music for poetry that I read in books, then set all that aside for awhile then started writing again in about 1975 a production I'm still not finished with yet- will be my best piece of work when it's done. I want to write songs/compose music for a full time occupation now, I don't care if I make any money or not I just want to create some very good stuff, I have alot to write about, a lifetime of experience and adventure, as you can see I've been around for awhile. If I like your song, then consider it a compliment.

Good luck, and I would suggest keep on writing because I think you've done good with this one.

its not bad, it just needs some work. imagry and metaphors, irony, alliteration, all these great english techniques that we were tought for eons come best into play in my opinion in lyric writing. When you are writing, try to incorperate a lot af all these great litarary elements. metaphors and similies are sometimes overused, but when used creativly, they can be quite important. consider your english class. lol. another thing that helps is that i will play a song, and close my eyes and imagine what the song reminds me of. try it, its quite amazing after youve got a whole song down just by doing small things. good luck and keep on rocking.