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Untitled--any crit would be great

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(@frankthetank9991)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 18
Topic starter  

I'm standing here, right next to you
but you don't see, you look right through me
isn't there a way to make you know just how i feel?

I could love you more than anyone that you have ever known
I could love you more than you could know about yourself

But I'm
Invisible, to me there is no light
to shine the way in neither day nor night
and I can't find the way that I need to go to find you

I'm invisible, and I can't let go
of these feelings I have, and I can't let you know
but more than ever, I need you to know
that I love you

What could I do but stand here
as I watch you prowl through the crowd
and try to find someone to share your feelings with

Let me be the one that knows your thoughts on everything around us
We can sing of love and life in this marred world of ours

But I'm
Invisible, to me there is no light
to shine the way in neither day nor night
and I can't find the way that I need to go to find you

I'm invisible, and I can't let go
of these feelings I have, and I can't let you know
but more than ever, I need you to know
that I love you

Invisible
Thats where I am tonight

Invisible
Thats where I am tonight

I'm invisible, but the time may come
to show my face in front of everyone
and let them know the weakness in my heart

but, for now, I'll stay in the shadows
waiting for a hint that I might be found
and regret that I never told you

yeah, first full song lyrics so uh some ideas on what to change would be great

what do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

a drummer.


   
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(@aarrgg)
Eminent Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 32
 

Hi frank, great lyrics. I don't really have much of ideas on what to change since when I read your lyrics I found myself humming a melody in which they fit almost perfectly. But I guess you already have a melody in mind because of those two-liners I had trouble to fit in my own melody. Let me know if you want to hea... uhm read it. To the song, comments in italic:

I could love you more than anyone that you have ever known
I could love you more than you could know about yourself
Except this part didn't fit my melody, I don't really understand it. It seems out of place compared to the rest of the song but that could be good if it's a pre-chorus.

Let me be the one that knows your thoughts on everything around us
We can sing of love and life in this marred world of ours
Same as above.

but, for now, I'll stay in the shadows
waiting for a hint that I might be found
and regret that I never told you
The second line makes no sense at all. Shouldn't it be "I might find" or "I might never find"?
The third line seems arrhythmic to me. Maybe something like "and regret what I never said"?

The rest of the song is real good. Hope any of my few comments are of use.

"I face myself, to cross out what I've become
erase myself, and let go of what I've done"
- Linkin Park


   
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(@frankthetank9991)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 18
Topic starter  

ok thanks man i appreciate the input

what do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?

a drummer.


   
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