I wrote this last week, don't have a title for it yet, let me know your opinions, whether you think its good or shit, i dont mind. all feedback is good, cheers.
(V1)
This is the last time i'll accept your resistance
This is the last time i'll acknowledge your existence
Take back your bleeding arms
Return my foolish, broken darts
I've traced and sliced the outline of your face on my chest with the stanley knife
All for nothing
All for nothing
This was everything
You've broken everything
(CHORUS)
My Heart lies weeping in your concrete kitchen
The fly on the wall contemplates what he's been missing
What once burnt so strong for hours and hours
Is now sacrificed and disregarded cos you can't be bothered
(V2)
I'll hang your body in my wardrobe, your heart on the shelf
Reminisce about the lost hope, the wasted dope, the prospects of our black future
Your lies are on my carpet, it's a beautiful sight
The light burns red until my eyes start to bleed
You never go down without a long, repressive fight
The maggots in my pillowcase refuse to pack up and leave
(BRIDGE)
Where are we going as we strive for a different place
This has been a waste of time, I can't bare to look at your face
Space is essential, something you cannot provide
I'm laying down, I'm crying aloud, I think it's time you died.
CHORUS x2
By Ross Davies
woah this is kinda dark! a little scary in parts but i think its ok,quite long lines there so it would be interesting to hear this, im not sure how it would work musically
Have to agreee with g.geek on this one but I thought maybe if you change it a little ?
you have "
"This is the last time i'll accept your resistance
This is the last time i'll acknowledge your existence
Take back your bleeding arms
Return my foolish, broken darts
I've traced and sliced the outline of your face on my chest with the stanley knife
All for nothing
All for nothing
This was everything
You've broken everything "
My suggestion would be :
""This is the last time i'll accept your resistance
This is the last time i'll acknowledge your existence
Take back your bleeding arms
Return my foolish, broken darts
I've traced and sliced the outline
of your face on my chest
with the stanley knife
All for nothing
All for nothing
This was everything
You've broken everything "
it seemed to me to flow better this way but you lose a little ryhmn but thats kool
cheers
L.K :arrow:
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
My two cents at the first reading
maybe you could change the repetition of "everything" on:
This was everything
You've broken everything "
it sounds boring, cause you've already repeated "all for nothing", which I think it's very nice
tke care
I have to agree with Noel on this one, you have 'thing' too many times in the last part of the first verse. I suggest ryming with Knife, how about "You've broken my life" ? just a suggestion... I recently wrote a little song that sounds kinda dark that might go along with this with a little reworking, if you'd like to hear gimme a shout @ [email protected]
or get ahoold of me on icq - 16409464 or MSN [email protected]
'You and I in a little toy shop, bought a bag of balloons with the money we got"
feel free to talk with me on msn at [email protected]..... no icq anymore
