You are the Queen (PLEASE CRITIQUE)

Hi mysticmoonangel

Just letting you know I am thinking of this ..

There is a few lines that in my opinion need a little tweek , at this stage I can't offer anything but will be back after some much thought ..

The bones of a terrific song lay in here just need time to scratch around a bit and at the moment I have not got the time { family } ...

I'll check back in later maybe early next week is probably the best I offer

Trevor

THANKS TREVOR

I will be watching for your input.

:wink: mystic

Hi mysticmoonangel. Here's my input. No obligations to use it, of course. Other forumites might well offer something also.

You are the Queen

Your legs are so very, very long
Your hair is of a tall, tall blonde
You could go anywhere with a jaunt
And do whatever it is you want
You look in the mirror but you don't see
Who it is that's looking back at thee

You are the queen and you can wear the crown
Why do you always have to tear yourself down
Your eyes are so bright they could capture the moon
But there's no rapture in staying in bed until noon

There's something about the way you smile
And the way you sway just drives me wild
But you don't know
You don't know my deepest desires
And if you did, would you cure my fire
Cause, for sure, the fire grows higher
Full of desire for you

There's something about the way you smile
And the way you sway drives me wild
But you don't know

Your legs are so very, very long
Your hair is of a tall, tall blonde
You could go anywhere with a jaunt
And do whatever it is you want
You look in the mirror but you don't see
Who it is that's looking back at thee

There's something about the way you smile
And the way you sway drives me wild
But you don't know
You don't know my deepest desires
And if you did, would you cure my fire
Would you cure my fire, cure my fire ….(fade out)

hi lwj001

thanks for your input I think I will put some more thought to these lyrics
but Keep the same song structur cause i would like it to be a classic rock song
somthing like alice cooper/ zztop or somthing along those lines.

thanks
Mystic

lwj001

Captures the lyrics nicely here I think , But when I did read your lyrics of was thinking of ZZ Top the song escapes whats its call....

Iknow they sing ""Sheeee" really dragged out ..

You memntioned the structure , my comment on that is Just try to keep the same rhythmn going all the way through out the song ...

Your first line has 9 Syllables try to keep all the other lines around it very simular , then try to keep the whole song tight and you will find it easier to add music ..

Just my thoughts and of course I could be totally wrong as I usually am :lol:

You do have the bones of some very good songs I would love to see you re-visit this song take some ideas from Iwj001 ..

It can be a very very good piece , I really don't like offering lyric replacements as what you have in your head may not be what I am reading ..

Trevor

thanks for the feed back
I am actually working on a rewrite @ this time, hopefully it wont take to long but i seem to be stuck for now

:wink: Mystic