SSG2 - Week 1 - P Allen

I'm new to criticing so bare with me   :).

First off, I like it.

The line in the chorus: "Form the horizon" just does not seem to fit.
How about:

I wish one day I would
I wish one day I could
Ride the plains
chasing the sun to the horizon.
This desk was never meant for me.

Also how about this for V3
Office blocks and endless pavement
I just can't get myself to leave

Rich

Hi Pete

Opinions and thoughts run aplenty.  First of all I have a high opinion of your song and think it's a really good go.  The use of the western imagery is good and identifies quite well with the yearning most boys have to be a cowboy at some stage and hits a mark for today where people are turning their back on the rat race and going for the happier, more meaningful life.

Just a couple of thoughts for your submission that you may want to have a look at.

Your rhyming scheme is AABB which I know can cause problems - see Nick's comments on my post for an explanation.  In this case I think the chorus breaks it up enough that it doesn't give you those problems.

V1 Line 3 just lose those it will make the line more manageable.

V2 What does he not want to take the fall for? This bit seems unclear to me.

V3 line 2 maybe change bleed to feel. It's a close enough rhyme that it will match - bleed just seems out of place to me.

V3 line 4 remove I want again it will make the line more manageable.

V4 line 2 That's not how the west was won just reads easier.

V4 lines 3 &4 don't seem to fit with the song.  Just have another look and work out what you're trying to say here.

V5 line 2 John Wayne and all of that may make the line easier to handle.

V5 line 3 Could be Time to make the cowboy play to indicate his dissatisaction has reached a point where he's now going to do something about it and no longer be the 9 to 5 fool.

I was going to say something about the chorus but on re-reading it I think it's fine as it is.

Good song

Bob ;)

I've just previewed the post hope you don't think it looks too severe - certainly not intended to be but I can't rewrite it now :) :)

I think you need to take a look at meter by reading outloud walking around.

The ends of verses 2 and 3 seem forced to me.  What is it that those verses say?  Make sure the last line matches the thought.

Welcome back, Pete!

Terrific idea here and I think that with a little work you'll be fine. The imagery and ideas come together best in verses three and four. If you can get the rest of the verses up to that standard it'll take off.

And just to prove that I'm still a nitpicker, how can your legs be weary if you're sitting at a desk all day?   ;)

Looking forward to much more!

Peace

Bob, don't worry about sounding too severe, at least not with me, anyway.

David, it's good to be back and that's a good point about this guys weariness. I'll work it through.

Thanks for all your sugestions and comments, I'll print them off and revise the lyric. Expect an update in the next couple of days.

But right now it's tired and I'm late (early) so I must go to bed and dream of westerns, country music and other wild west related things.

Thanks again,

Pete. :)

I think I missed the point,
since I'm new around this joint.
But why is it a crime
to have an AABB rhyme?

I think you just figured it out.

Do you work for Hallmark?

It is very hard to do AABB well, which is why you see things like ABACAB.  ABAB isn't so easy either.

Personally I think
that you can tinker
with any kind of rhyme
or any number of lines.
But it does tend to call attention
to itself, not to mention
that the rest of your words
though well chosen, go unheard.

(man I hope this isn't the latest fad for critiques!   ;)  )
Peace

Here it is, revised,
And i thought it may be wise
To leave it as it was
Then correct it, just because
Then you can see the impact
Your words have had, in fact
You can see all of the changes that I've made

Sorry about that

[V1]
Watching cowboys shoot the west
This sofa lets my worn legs rest This sofa's not much of a test
Those sunset plains paint the scene
A Carbon copy of my dreams

[V2]
The rocky crags and dusty hills
It's the west that really kills
Texas painted on my wall I see Texas in my glass
But I will never take the fall Whisky helps the long days pass

[Chorus]
I wish one day that I would
I wish one day that I could
Form the horizon
Chase the sun across the plain
This desk was never really meant for me

[V3]
Office blocks and tumbleweed
I just can't get myself to bleed feel
Cigarettes, a late night drive Imaging working for a raise
Ain't the way I want to live my life Lonely nights and lonely days

[V4]
Paying bills off one by one  
That's not the way the west was won That's not how the west was won
There's always visits to my home People come and people go
But I am really all alone It's not the journey, it's the show

[Repeat Chorus]

[V5]
Dirty pistols, cowboy hats
Is just John Wayne and that is that all of that
Time to make this cowboy pay play
I think the fool has had his day

[End Chorus]
(I could have) (I'm gonna)  
Formed the horizon
Chased the sun across the plain
I new this desk would pave the end for me I new that I could get out of this world

Pave the end for me Leave it all behind

I thank you all for being here
I dedicate to you my beer

Pete. :)

I do not like this style of critique
I do not like it, it's unique
I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like it Sam I am.

I am a big ABBA fan.