This looks like an interesting and fun exercise. I've never written a song, made a couple attempts at poetry, but ... whatever. Here's what I came up with, based on the painting "Nighthawks" by Edward Hopper. You can see the painting here:
http://www.ibiblio.org/wm/paint/auth/hopper/
I know it needs some polish, but I think I got the core of it.
Here's the song:
DARKER LIGHT
All alone, just we two
adjacent stools, me and you,
though I look at you right next to me,
I don't know what I see.
Shall I tell you what I fear,
if I do, will you hear?
Why do I feel so lonesome,
when I have you so near?
CHORUS
I so wanted for these diner lights
to help me drive away the night,
I've never felt the darkness,
quite the way I do tonight.
You're sitting here, but you've gone,
and I guess I should move on,
if I do, can I be sure
I'll ever see a dawn?
So go on and chase your dreams,
you know I don't know what that means,
I do know that a darker light
my soul has never seen.
CHORUS
I so wanted for these diner lights
to help me drive away the night,
I've never felt the darkness,
quite the way I do tonight.
Scratchmonkey,
Welcome, and great first song! - very poemlike. I agree that you've got the core, but need to finetune it.
So, do you already have a melody in mind - or did you just write the lyrics? Either way, I'd recommend singing/saying it out loud and looking for where your mouth stumbles on syllables. Because, you definitely have the rhyme scheme down, it's the beat that could be make even better.
For instance:
You're sitting here, but you've gone,
and I guess I should move on,
if I do, can I be sure
I'll ever see a dawn?
could be:
You still sit here, but you're gone,
and I guess I should move on -
but if I do, can I be sure
I'll ever see another dawn?
or the last line could be
I'll see another dawn?
or I'll live to see another dawn? depending on the rhythm you'd like.
Also, I think you may be able to cut out the "so" from the first line of the chorus.
But, I'm being picky. Overall, it's a very nice song (super, since it's your first!) to go with a very nice painting.
- silly putty
Thanks, Silly Putty,
I do actually have a tune in my head to go with this, but I haven't had time to hammer it out on the keyboard yet. (I'm only just learning the guitar. I got it for Christmas, so I'm nowhere near proficient enough to use it to pick out the tune yet. Although this site is dramatically reducing the learning curve for me)
I will work on the meter, and as you suggested, lose the "so" from the chorus. I had already taken out about 6 "but"s. However, the "so" makes it sound more like my daughters talking than the person I'm trying to give voice to.
Thank you for taking time to critique it for me.
Scratchmonkey
Let me echo SP's congrats and thoughts. You've captured a wonderful mood here.
If you can make the verses as compact as the chorus (wonderful, by the way) I think you'll be on your way.
I'm going to read this a few more times and see if I can make some real suggestions...
Peace
youre an awesome poet
music is poetry, so it's all good
very good read ;)
:)
This weeks assignment really worked for you. Â Except for a few minor meter problems , this is excellent. Â
By coincidence I saw this painting for the second time
today. Â It was part of the end of "That 70's Show" this evening. Â :o
