SSG2 - Week 4 - New Writer

Good song. Nice use of imagery.

The third verse does not seem to fit the rest.

Industrial exteriors, theatrical interiors

Just seems out of place. But without alot more coffee I can't think of a better line. :-).

The chorus has a nice flow to it. Don't change a thing there.

I might suggest the walking test on the verses, the meter seems a bit off (but I am still learning to get that right, so not best judge :-) )

Rich

Whispering poems at archaic stone forts

Excellent stuff, very ethereal and a feel of new age philosophy.  Lots of imagery and that's a great line I've quoted.

I really like it, will we hear it?

Good stuff

Bob ;)

Bob: Will you hear it? maybe in a couple of years after i learn how to play my guitar! or if you have time and want to think of music for it, go right ahead and send it to me!

apefeet: i think you're right. i have to do the walking test.

Hi new writer,

Really good imagery, well written.

The third line of the first verse doesn't fit the format of the other two.

other than that...

They'll say I'm influenced by amethyst

How about:

They'll say I am the amethyst

or

They'll say I've become the amethyst

Influenced seems a bit convoluted.

How about "False exteriors"  like the facades on a hollywood lot?

Hi nick: thanks. i think i'll work on it some more in the next day or two. i think you're right about that third  line. i didn't notice it before. i'll probably change the other lines, too.

Amethyst
 
They know who I am
Blue eyes shine behind a shade of sadness
Black hair, skin fair
Closing out of lost world madness
 
They know where I've been
Gothic lands with black sea ports
Holy wells, esoteric cells
Whispering poems at archaic stone forts
 
Ask someone who loves me
They're out there, they do exist
Ask someone who loves me
They'll say I've become the amethyst
 
They know where I'm going
Purple landscapes of summer darkness
False exteriors, theatric interiors
Dancing wild in long black dress  
 
Ask someone who loves me  
They're out there, they do exist  
Ask someone who loves me  
They'll say I've become the amethyst

Is "Theatric" a word?  If it is how about

"False exteriors, theatric interiors"

Seems to flow better for me.

The second stanza is clever.  I like the ominous, yet subtle feel to it.

i think so. i've changed it. thanks.

Very creative work.  I like it.

Bob: Will you hear it? maybe in a couple of years after i learn how to play my guitar! or if you have time and want to think of music for it, go right ahead and send it to me!

May take you up on that if I get some time after Christmas - I was thinking of an 'All About Eve' style - although I'd have to break out the records and listen again.

What was in your head for it?

Bob  ;)

i dunno. Maybe something soft and moody?