This is not finished, I've posted it for feedback because its driving me nuts. :-/
I went against all the rules and didn't want to follow a story line, I fancyed making observations about wild west films and talking about different situations that arise in them..
Hope you like what I have so far..
1st verse
~~~~~~~~~
Wrong time, tough place
Some thug dislikes your face
Six shots of whisky neat
A face-off in the street
A bullet shoots right through you.
2nd verse
~~~~~~~~~
Wrong day, small town
The lawman's tracked you down
There's no time to run
You hold a smoking gun
The trail of blood leads to you
Chorus
~~~~~~
Gun Slingers
Itchy trigger fingers
Will fill you full of lead
Gun Slingers
Itchy trigger fingers
The quick and the dead
:)
If Practice makes perfect & nobody is perfect.. Why practice?
Hi Heelsy
I do like what you've got so far. It bristles with menace. In some places there are one or two stumbles though. ;)
The rhyming scheme does make some of the language a touch over dramatic particularly
six shots of whisky neat
It's a near enough rhyme with street to just say
six shots of neat whisky
It'll sound OK if you put a slight emphasis on the 'ee' sound of whisky.
2nd verse is fine apart from 4th line which is just a tad over long and I really force it to fit, it doesn't flow as easily. A simple idea is just to substitute You hold a with Your and it will still work.
The chorus is great and I wouldn't change it.
There's good use of space in the song (well the way I read it through there was) particularly in the chorus and this could allow you to build atmosphere with a fill, a riff or a louder than normal chord.
God use of imagery - smoking guns, itchy trigger fingers etc. I know you seem frustrated with it but I honestly don't think it's that far off.
Good writing ;)
Bob
You are what you eat, eat well
I dunno. How 'bout
Whisky, six shots, neat
as in "Barman give me six shots, neat"
Or something like that
Needs another verse or two I reckon Heelsy, but it's good.
A :-)
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Looks like a good start, Heelsy.
The last line of the 1st verse bugs me a little. After all, technically a bullet doesn't shoot...the gun does, right? I always thought that the imagery of a bullet "ripping" through something was more moving, so I'd suggest:
"A bullet rips right through you"
or describe the face off in the street
"Draw and fire in the street
As a bullet passes through you"
I like the chorus. I hear the last line as "The quick...and the dead" with a dramatic fill in the space.
I agree that perhaps another verse or a bridge would be good for the song.
Keep it up,
Doug Joy
I think Alan's got a great idea there. You could even go something like:
"Barman! Whiskey! Six shots! Neat!"
A little conversation can spice up a song and give it an added dimension.
Peace
Cool ideas fellas, thanks for all the advice.
I like Alans suggestion about the whisky, I also thin the bullet "rips" is a more vivid statement.
I'llwork on it some more when I get home.
Cheers :)
If Practice makes perfect & nobody is perfect.. Why practice?
