Hi,
Had a lot of trouble with this assignment. First, I had difficulty finding the right words to play with. Then I sort of lost my story after I had started. So now I'm stuck, in desperate need of help :)
I decided to use "Miss Erable" for my title. I have a melody for it that I like. As for the lyrics, this is what I have come up with so far.
----New lyrics----
V1
Frost bites my knuckles when I knock on her door
Hello, is Miss Erable in?
Breathing clouds of white I puzzle and figure out
It's been quite some time since I saw her around
And I just wondered how she's been x 2
V2
Melted snow replaced with yellow young daffodils
Hello, is Miss Content in?
With spring around and flowers everywhere in bloom
I can see her through the window to her room
Could you tell her I stopped by
Chorus:
Can you give her this message
I came over to say
That I miss her smile and
her laughter every day
Could you ask her come by
V3
Curtains shut and closed, making sure no sun is seen
Hello, is Miss Fortune home?
In this heat, her curtains sweat, begging to undress
I would give everything just to get a glance
So I could see she's okay x 2
V4
Leafs at my feet when I knock on her door
Hello, is Miss Ery home?
When Christmas comes, how can she stand her solitude
I know she's not content, could you please let me in
I don't want her to be alone
Chorus
Bridge
I just want to see her
I just want her to come by
That can't be asking for too much
All I ask is that you try
Chorus
------------
Now, here's my own opinion:
-I've tried to use the four seasons here, don't know if that is a good idea or not.. If it is, I feel I need more imagery than just the first line. Maybe longer verses?
-As always, try to cut down on the rhymes
-I'm satisfied with the chorus, at least for now.
Any ideas?
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
I think you've got a great idea going here. You can even go a bit further and play with many characters, maybe one for each season. I keep thinking that "Miss Erable" might be confused with "Miss Content" and maybe even "Miss Taken" (not to be confused with "Miss Shapen!" ;) )
Another thing you can do is play a bit with puns in your imagery. The second verse could be something like:
Leaves at my feet when I leave for on her door
Hello, is Miss Erable home?
I know she's not content, could you please let me in
I don't want her to be alone
Raking my brain for the right thing to say
Will she welcome me or will I fall away...
I know that's pretty bad, but I hope you get the idea. Definitely flesh this out a bit more. Maybe Nick's exercise on writing out some imagery for each of the seasons will give you some more great lines.
Looking forward to see how this turns out. By the way, what sort of melody do you hear for this?
Peace
Your chorus doesn't seem to flow well for me. Just a suggestion, and this would plug the word miserable into a listener's ear, so s/he is more apt to get the Miss Erable pun:
Chorus:
Please give her this message
I came over to say
That I'm miserable since
she laughed her smile away
I think you should do a verse for each season. Neat idea!
David, you just gave me the missing piece for an idea I had abandoned. Thanks!
He not busy being born is busy dying. - Bob Dylan (It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Bleeding)
David, you just gave me the missing piece for an idea I had abandoned. Â Thanks!
You're welcome! Let me know where to send the bill! ;)
Peace
Thanks,
I thought of using other Miss words as well after I had posted it. I'm trying to find some puns for my verses at the moment.
Now, I'm not the best at describing melodies, what are my options? :) I was thinking something moderately slow, it sort of has this sad feeling in it.
maxwell
Great idea for the chorus. It's the only part I've been satisfied with, but I really like the idea and I'll see if I try to make it work. Thanks :)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
Hi,
I recorded and uploaded this song today. It won't be the final version, so I would appreciate comments, thoughts and ideas. I still have some lines I'm not happy with, as well as maxwells idea for the chorus.
Anyway it's called Miss Erable and should be at
http://mp3.moosoft.net/kristian_lier/
once it is put there by Adam (on fridays usually?)
Give it a listen, any comments at all are welcome!
:)
Kristian
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
