SSG41 - Determined to Try - Bob

The best part of the song for me were the lines with the takeaway and the soapstars as your best friends.

I don't think loneliness can supply the imagery: it's the theme. However, you mention one source of imagery in your theme description: prison. The imagery of prison could be of great use here, even in the last verse, where you e.g. get back your wallet and keys (by the way, that's perhaps why I feel treated as a criminal when walking through metal detectors in airports).

"By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone
Across the room I spot this girl
She looks at me and smiles
And I want to be part of her world"
 
"Couple of weeks later and I'm at the bar again
When I spot the very same girl
This time she waves me over
I'm going to be a part of her world"

Read these two verses again. A couple of weeks were supposed to have gone by. But what happened during those two weeks to change the outcome? The fist time he sees her nothing happens. Two weeks go by. he sees her again. This time something happens. I don't think you explained enough about the story to change the outcome.

I think it should go more like this:

"By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone
Across the room I spot this girl
She looks at me and smiles
And I want to be part of her world"
 
"I don't care that I was hurt before
My heart hung out to dry
It's time I ignored the scars
and now I'm determined to try"
 
"Couple of weeks later and I'm at the bar again
When I spot the very same girl
This time she waves me over
I'm going to be a part of her world"
 

Hi Bob,

Pretty good stuff.  I especially like the chorus.

You did a great job on all of the prerequisites to writing except the imagery.  Make sure you are giving me a picture not a feeling.

Recluse, lonely, scared, scarred, TV Friends, cocooned, isolated, redemption

Hermit, echoes, no footsteps in the hall, jump at the sound of the banging water pipes, check the closets before bedtime.  these are examples of your list above.

cocoon is good but it gives the feeling of becoming not hiding, I think that fits with your meaning though.

Now your only major issue, apart from making sure your timeline fits, is you tell me.  Show me.  (I know I sound like a broken record)

Your first two lines could be something like

Slapped by the sound of you slamming the door
half the clothes, half the CDs, half of me gone

This line in particular has so many opportunities:

By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone

Have you ever been in a bar awkward and alone?

How about when you ask for a table and the maitre de asks "table for 2?"  like there is someone else there?

"Table for two? he asks and I hate him"

or something like that.

Good stuff, keep on going.

Nick

OK had a bit of time so thought I'd try and revisit this one.  Don't know if it's moving towards what Nick suggested or away from it but here goes.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The Song - Determined to Try

The way the door slammed when she walked out
I knew she was gone for good.
Emptied the closets and the spare room
Disappeared into the neighbourhood

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
How can I heal these scars
When I don't know how to try

Spent my days with TV programmes and takeaways
Soap stars were my only friends
Imprisoned within these four walls
An exile without an end

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
How can I heal these scars
When I don't want to try

By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone
An island in the midst of much fun
Her eyes see straight to my core
Her stare makes me want to run

I've never been hurt before
Had my heart hung out to dry
It's time I healed these scars
And now I've a reason to try

Weeks go by 'til I can face that bar again
I'm trying to find that girl
So I can tell her she's got pretty blue eyes
See if she'll help me rediscover this world

I don't care that I was hurt before
My heart hung out to dry
It's time I ignored the scars
and now I'm determined to try

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There will definitely be some more edits to come as some of it is still clumsy but I quite like the way it's moving.

Bob

i think your half way to what nick said and its getting better. i also think that you may have tryed to get to much into it (as you said yourself) , i tryed to do a vary similler song and i dident finish it, it was to big for me.
i like i like it alot.

Its definitely a promising song Bob. I like the improvements you made to the first two verses (though I'm not sure about being an exile in prison - exile implies being cast out whereas prison is kind of the opposite).
The final two verses I prefered in your first draft. There was a nice symmetry there & I liked the idea that the guy wanted to move into her world, I preferred that to the second version where he wants her to help him rediscover the world. THe former seems to have more progression in it & is more in keeping with emerging from his prison I thought.
Id change "in the midst of much fun" to "in the midst of the fun" purely because the former is quite hard to get your mouth around for singing. Its a great image - and I'm sure we've all felt that feeling...
I wonder whether you could change what he tells her about her eyes to something that more expresses the way he seems to feel that she has seen right into him?? - that might then strengthen the bit about helping him rediscover the world?
I love the evolving chorus thing! that moves the narative along beautifully.

cheers

Hagrider

HI Bob

I really like the idea of the guy being trapped in his own prison. See if this will fit with what you have in mind for a tune. Nicks idea of how it feels to be lonely is what brought this to mind. I think this is a very good idea for a song and not too much at all it is just right.  I would like to hear the finished product.    

By chance I'm in a bar awkward and alone  
Like some newborn baby or a dog with no bone
Listening to my heart pound out the rhythm
Of my being all alone why won't she come home?

Then out of my gloom I see one so lovely so fair
Oh won't you see me not my despair
I cannot react the way that I wish
All I remember is loves final kiss

I hope this will be helpful.
Frank

Thanks for the suggestions and comments.

The last two verses have been causing me problems when trying to make them fit the rhythm and I have to consciously work at making them fit.  

Will try and work on it this week-end seeing as it's a holiday week-end in the UK.

Thanks

Bob