Week 26

I don't know whats going on here I replied to your song earlier , then I noticed that there was no replies ... Gremlins bugger

I like you song but have one problem with it ...
The amount of lines that start with the word " THE "

example :

The sound of a good guitar turn up loud < Sounds
The ringing of the strings of a quality axe <Ringing
The moan of a happy woman < Moaning
The sound of a newborn babe
The song of the nightingale <Songs

I think reads a lot better and for my limited singing ability I can sing that alot better ..

Hilch :?:

Hey Blue,

Firstly I'd have to agree with Peter (to a degree) in the use of "the". For me it just seemed that if it's to be used a bit then it would probably work better throughout all the verses. The second two just seemed a bit detached.

The sound of a good guitar turn up loud
The ringing of the strings of a quality axe
The moan of a happy woman
The sound of a newborn babe
The song of the nightingale
The sound of one hand clapping
This verse seemed to lose me a bit and seemed a bit of a filler. I think the last line threw me out the most though, due to the zen type reference. Maybe you could shed some more light on this verse as to what you were angling for? For me there didn't seem a common aspect of "sounds" you were trying to get across here. :?

You see the are no birds in spring no wedding bells ring
Just the empty sound of my soul and my solitude
I like these two lines though I see a nice opportunity here to capilitise on double meaning in the first line. Maybe something like:
There are no birds in spring, no bells to wedding ring
Dunno about the word "to" but I think you get my meaning. :)

The sound of a soul that is down for the count
The ringing of the bell after the last bout
The scream on a rioting crowed
This was a great start. Really loved the imagery of the boxer lying battered and bruised on the canvas, and the phyiscal pain coupled with the emotional pain of being KO'd. 8)

Hi bluenote,

I'm joining the ranks of those who don't have a problem with the the's. I like the lyrics and I think the imagery is good, but I agree with Bennett on the second verse. It loses me a bit, I don't fully understand what you mean there. The last verse doesn't flow the same way the first two do, but the lyrics are good. Perhaps you could use it as a bridge so you wouldn't have to rewrite it so much. A lot could get lost in that process.

What I'm most curious about is what kind of music you have in mind for this? I can't hear anything in my head right now, I think it could be played in a good handful of styles and ways.

:)
-man

I'd also be interested in your ideas about the music. The last verse doesn't sit all that well rhythm-wise. The way I'm currently reading it, I hear the third "paragraph," if you will, as a chorus and the last one as bridge.

Good imagery as always. Great to read your material again.

Peace

Thank you all for reading and commenting on this song. I have made some changes and when I record it I will post it on my soundclick page. Tell me if this reads better then the first one.

The sound of a soul that is down for the count
The ringing of the bell after the last bout
Screams In the crowed as I go down and out
This is what I hear when you call my name
For all I remember is pain
And you saying good-bye

Sounds from a good guitar turn up loud
Singing of the strings of a quality axe
Oh the moan of a happy woman
Or the singing of a newborn babe
A song of nightingale
Thump from a real good bass

All this noise in my head will not drown the pain
Of my loss and what you think is your gain
You have done me in but you I will not win
All that's left will not even begin
Like a message I cannot send
You will be a spot on my heart tell I end

You will forever be the reason why all sounds are just noise
Even when I sing it comes out like a thousand railroad trains roaring
Like horns from a millions cars stuck in traffic on a hot afternoon
This the empty sound of my soul and my solitude
Waiting for you to bring me water as I die of trust.
This is and always will be my curse

Hi Bluenote

Nice ideas going on here - certainly fitting in with the assignment.

The last section seems out of place with the rest of the song but I can hear it almost spoken rather than sung - maybe as an outro to the whole song.

Otherwise good stuff

Bob :wink:

This has taken on a different feel now that I have sat down with the guitar and attempted to sing it, I have turned it into a blues in A and I will record it and post it as soon as I can.

The sound of a soul that is down for the count
The ringing of the bell after the last bout
Screams In the crowed as I go down and out

Sounds from a good guitar turn up real loud
Singing of the strings and the hum of a crowed
Oh the moan of my happy woman puts me in the clouds

Chorus
This is what I hear when you call my name
For all I remember is pain
You saying good-bye is the final refrain

Or the singing of a newborn babe or the song of a nightingale
I ‘m telling you it makes papa wanta wale
I telling mama I won't go your bail

Thump in of a bass the ring of a cymbal oh so loud
Singing of my babies that makes me oh so proud
Ant nothing like it no were no how

All this noise in my head will not drown the pain
My loss now will not be your gain
You have done me now but that ant the end of this game

This is what I hear when you call my name
For all I remember is pain
You saying good-bye is the final refrain

All that's left will not even begin
Like a message in a bottle that I cannot send
I'm telling you now you I will not win

You will forever be the reason why all sounds are noise
A spot on my heart and the end of my joy
Your My Morning and My evening and the end of my day

Waiting for you to bring me water as I die of trust
Like a man in the desert I am about to burst
There is no end to all of this and that's my curse

This is what I hear when you call my name
For all I remember is pain
You saying good-bye is the final refrain

When I sing it sounds like a roaring fright train
Like howling of a dog stuck out in the rain
And all I can think is that I am to blame

Like an old flat top way out of tune
Like picking cotton on a June afternoon
Like old dead rose that will not bloom

Is that are you calling my name
For all I remember is pain
You saying good-bye is the final refrain