.
It may be me, but I have no idea what this is about. It feels like so many tangents that I am not able to decipher what the story is.
Can you help me out with that?
Please don't be offended that I don't understand. I'm pretty dumb :oops:
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
It's meant to be about someone who gets sick of the city they live in and decides to revisit the town where they grew up, which they haven't been to since they were 18, but realises when they get there that actually it's no longer 'home' any more than anywhere else is.
Do you think I don't make that clear enough? How should I make it clearer?
Thanks for your help, and no offense was taken :)
I think I won't remember a thing in case I heard it.
I would shrink it a little, keep the essence and topple over unnessesary sentences.
I don't like the time indications, but I guess that's just me. I would try to keep it simpler.
I just started writing myself, I'm not sure that the things I would change should be changed. That's what I feel about it
I guess I wouldn't try to mask what you are trying to say so much.
Like my clansmen are expecting gale force winds and onions skinned.
I don't understand what that stuff is suppose to mean.
What you told me in your reply about a guy who gets sick of the Big City and wants to go back "home" sounds great.
This type of thought would be really better told kinda straight forward like a story.
I'm not great at that kind of writing myself, but you can get some wonderful examples of this "storytelling" by taking a look at almost any song by "Nitetrapper" here on the forum.
just a thought.
I like the idea you have from the song, I just didn't pick that up from what you were writing.
Is it me? Anyone else have some thoughts on it?
Someone else chime in on it.
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
I wasn't really trying to mask the story with the 'clansmen' thing, just trying to put some space in between the first verse and the bridge because otherwise it's 11.30 and then suddenly it's 4 o'clock. You're right though, it's a bit cryptic, I'll change those lines to something else explaining the story a bit better maybe. Thanks.
Just know that I only criticize out of love :D
and because I'm easily confused :oops:
Keep up the writing!
Be Blessed!
Greg
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
