Hi all,
Here it is, my first attempt at a song:) I've only been playing a matter of months so strumming anything and trying to sing proves very difficult most of the time. But this writing lark has got me very motivated so I would love to get better at it. Do your worst:P
[Verse 1]
Tonight im walking to the pub alone out in the rain
My mind's set on drowning these feelings and this pain
I know it was stupid but it's something i had to do
I couldn't go on without you knowing I'm in love with you
Now that its done i just want what we had back
Was I stupid to think I even had a chance?
[Chorus]
What do i do now all i knew has slipped away?
Tongue tied and falling down on words I want to say
All the time i`m hoping you'll come back and want to stay
but you're gone..
[verse 2]
I wake up in the morning calling out your name
Heart broken wishing that you only felt the same
I need time alone to think this whole thing through
Time to throw away the dreams I had for me & you
Is there anyway I can get what we had back?
Am i foolish to even think it?
[Chorus]
What do i do now all i knew has slipped away?
Tongue tied and falling down on words I want to say
All the time i`m hoping you'll come back and want to stay
but you're gone..
[verse 3]
Now I still find myself thinking of you from time to time
Wondering where we would be if you'd only been mine
Three years older now, still sorry I lost you
But happy you moved on to find somebody new
Something inside still wants the old days back
I know i'm wrong to think it
[Chorus]
What do i do now all i knew has slipped away?
Rebuild my dreams and live for another day
All the time i`m hoping you'll just stay away.
Because I'll always want you back..
Hi Bramble
Welcome to GN
You said
Do your worst:P
I like the idea for the song, but ...
I think you need to make some changes.
Verse 1---
What was stupid?? drowning the feelings and pain?? saying I'm in love with you??? maybe it was walking in the rain??
I have the same problem with "Now that it's done i just want what we had back "...now that whats done??..drowning the feelings and pain?? saying I'm in love with you??? maybe it was walking in the rain??
If it's saying"I'm in love with you" then was there ever anything to get back???
Verse 2---
I wake up in the morning calling out your name
Heart broken wishing that you only felt the same
I need time alone to think this whole thing through
Time to throw away the dreams I had for me & you
Is there anyway I can get what we had back?
Am i foolish to even think it?
These lines just contradict
If you wake up calling out His/Her name ...wishing they felt the same
this tells me you don't need time alone. YOU ARE ALONE!!
If it's time to throw away dreams..YOU'VE THOUGHT IT THROUGH!!! don't try to get it back.
Just remember these are just my Opinions Hope they help.
And I hope to see more songs from you in the future
Tokai 12 String
Don't you ever give up on yourself
wow...i really like that....reminds me style-wise of a few songs ive written.....i think it would go nice as an acoustic song , i mean.....i dont know what stage your at but if u r thinking about writting guitar to it etc.....i think trying it as an acoustic style song would be good....even if just 2 try.....
keep up the good work!
NeM
Rain Shadow
Hey Bramble!
I must admit, in this case I disagree with almost everything Tokai says!!! Nothing personal, obviously, just I really like this the way it is.
It's great for a first attempt too. There are a million and three 'should-I/shoudn't-I/should-I-have/shouldn't-I-have-type songs out there (the three being the ones I have written!) but IMO this is one of the better ones.
It feels real, more than anything. I reckon everyone's had at least similar feelings to those you are writing about, and you bring it all together well, without ever really decending into those murks depths known as cliche!
Chorus is great in particular!
Also, great to hear writing has given you added motivation - keep at it!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
