I can't decide if I'm to winy and blabby on this poem, or if its the right kind of blab to explain how I feel... I thought maybe if I brought it here I could get some critique, good or bad. I'm up for anythin feedback please... it's a bit long and I don't actually know if it will work as a song, I mean I have a chorus type thing, but it's more poem material. Anyway, it's really really rough, so spelling mistakes and gramatical errors -please ignore. I don't like the title, but anyway enough of this, here it is :
The air only gets colder
as the tear runs down my cheek
and everything grows darker
as i only grow more weak
this is what happens
night after night
keeping in my tears
is always a constant fight
I just want to see your smiling face
and the twinkles in your eyes
your arms around my waiste
my head up in the sky
happiness surrounds us
the love we feel is true
butterflies in my stomach
all that matters than is you
'cause every night i go to bed
I imagine you by my side
but i roll over and see the truth
that to myself i'd lied
you arent really here
and i dont know if you ever will be
so i grab my blanket, and grasp my pillow
and close my eyes to see
to see your smiling face
the twinkles in your eyes
your arms around my waiste
my head up in the sky
happiness surrounds us
the love we feel is true
butterflies in my stomach
all that matters now is you
to have you with me for a split second
is more than i could ask
but your halfway around the world
and just hearing you is a task
so when i try to sleep at night
your what occupies my mind
I close my eyes and start to dream
and in this dream I find
the smile on your face
the twinkles in your eyes
your arms around my waiste
my head up in the sky
happiness surrounds us
the love we feel is true
butterflies in my stomach
all that matters now is you
I wake up in the morning
and all i had is lost
your no longer with me
and my heartbreak is its cost
I have to get up now though
no matter how alone i am
I'm off to face another day
even though i dont feel I can
life has knocked me down
down upon my knees
I'm helpless on the ground
and i need you to set me free
your what keeps me happy
what keeps me alive at all
just the thought of you picks me up
when i'm about to fall
Until that day that i can have you
i have to do my best
to keep on going through this
it is only just a test
So i stare forever forward
hoping for the day
that i can look you in the eye
to plain and simply say
I love you my darling
with all my heart i do
and never could i ask
for anything more perfect than you
If only I could see
If only I could tell
If only I could hold
instead of whispering to myself
I love you
I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.
well done. i personally liked that a lot, i could see where you could throw a chorus in there, although it would be hard to sing some of the lines and get a good solid rythm going... although it can be done. but all in all well done is what i personally think.
hey, thanks, lots, lol I've been waitin around with my sick self all day thinking of somethin to do while I wait for a reply. and it was well worth waiting for, I appreciate it. I think I am gonna try a few things and challenge myself into trying to make this a song, I'm sure if I change a few things I could get it going... Though it will take quite abit of changes, because I myself have figured out that songs don't usually stick with the same rhyme scheme and rhythm all the way through, the bridge and stuff sort of livens it more - so the song version will be very much different. anywho, I'm off, thanks again :)
I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.
I really enjoyed this too, its a really good effort and I could see a song coming out of it.
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